Traumatic Brain Injury and the Deception

 I have been thinking about a topic that I believe is at the foundation of anyone’s healing process. Let me explain. For many years I believed that I could not measure up to the expectations that God had for me. As a result, I did not believe that I could expect God to be there for me. I found myself struggling to measure up to be good enough so that I could receive His unconditional love for me. Because I never really felt good enough, I believed that God could not love me unconditionally and therefore I could not depend upon Him. In my deception, I cut myself off from the very source of my healing.

My relationship with my Dad – while growing up – unknowingly taught me to believe that my good was not good enough. I was also led to believe that my worth was found in my doing rather than in my being. I became what I have heard referred to as a human doing. Perfectionism taught me that who I was in life was not good enough. Perfectionism taught me that I needed to perform to be loved, accepted and approved. Consequently, I believed my worth and value were stipulated upon whether I performed up to the expectations of my parents, peers, teachers and employers. What I experienced conditioned me to believe that if I did not measure up to the “expectations” I would be rejected, ostracized and abandoned emotionally if not physically. The voice of perfectionism echoed in my subconscious demanding that I do more to justify my existence so that I would not experience the fear of annihilation at the core of my being. As I strove to ward off my unconscious terror, I lost sight of my being. Unconsciously, I transferred that belief system on to my relationship with God.

Perfectionism is a cruel taskmaster. The cruel nature of perfectionism indiscriminately raises the bar of expectation.

The nature of my invisible disabilities aided in the deception — that my good was not good enough. My insecurities blinded my ability to recognize my value. For many years I felt like a person who was all dressed up with no where to go. Although I diligently prepared myself to be of maximum service to God, and my fellow man / woman no one seemed to want what I had to give. Consequently, I felt like a failure. Through a series of events I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I woke up to the reality that I could never be perfect. I realized that I could never measure up to the code of perfectionism. The beauty of my process brought me to a place of surrender. The process was slow and the journey was painfully arduous at times. Several years ago I had a spiritual awakening that changed my life forever. The process is more important than the destination. Please read my 2 part series, On the Road to Healing. I slowly stopped buying into the notion that I had to measure up to be enough.

What we thought was meant for our harm, has been turned for our good.

Today I realize that I am a work in process and in that process I am learning what works best for me. Please read my post, Traumatic Brain Injury and Limitations. Looking back over my life I believe I was being prepared for this point in time. I now have a medium to share my experience, strength and hope as a tbi survivor. What I experienced through my struggle and disappointment — as I have shared in My Journey thus Far — prepared me to be successful in a way that works for me. What I thought were failures during the course of my life, were instead wonderful opportunities that were preparing me to live the life I have imagined. My experiences were pointing me in the direction of my destiny. Although I once thought that God was mad at me, I now know that God has always been madly in love with me. What I thought was being done to me was actually being done for me. God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. As a loving parent, He was guiding and directing my steps. What I could not see then is now coming into focus.

“If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life that you have imagined…you will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

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