Hello my friend and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the past several weeks I have been speaking to topics that have been crucial to my recovery and in my healing process. Through my process I found that I had to address my denial, anger and resentment to move beyond that which was blocking my relationships: my relationships with the God of my understanding, with other people and with myself.
Through my process I discovered that one of my biggest hindrances — in life — involved my critical nature. I discovered that my need to be perfect was driven by my attempt to avoid criticism, ridicule, rejection and self-loathing. Because I was unable to meet the demands of perfection I internalized ongoing frustration and anger. My frustration perpetuated my need to overcompensate and over achieve in order to maintain my perceived relationship with God, with other people and with myself.
Before I addressed and confronted my denial, anger and resentments through my grieving process I treated other people with the same contempt that I showed myself. My contempt was manifested through the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, other people and myself.
Through my experience and by addressing and confronting my denial, anger and resentments I grew in my awareness. First of all I realized that NONE of the relationships that I sought to sustain were healthy. I discovered that I either took hostages or was made to be a hostage in my relationships. I found that my feelings of inferiority alienated me from the very relationships that I sought to cultivate. I also discovered that I unconsciously projected my shame into my relationships through my unrealistic expectations.
My shame subsequently sought to control my relationships because I believed that I needed to do a dance to maintain those relationships. My denial, anger and resentments — through my shame — led me to believe that my relationships could only be sustained through a specific set of dance steps. Essentially, I believed that I needed to make the person – that I sought to be in a relationship — OK with me, so that we could be OK, so that I could be OK with me.
Through my process, I discovered that my unrealistic expectations served to perpetuate the dance.
Through my process I have grown in my awareness. In my awareness I have come to recognize that I no longer need to participate in any dance to be OK with me. Consequently, I have been able to let go of my need to be perfect. I have traded the notion of perfection for the pursuit of excellence. My drive to fulfill unrealistic expectations has faded away and I am learning to trust the process, a loving God and myself. Consequently, I am learning to have a relationship with myself.
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Dear Craig;
This is an amazing article. I found it through a search for ‘unrealistic expectations and anger’ on Google. I could have written much of this myself except that my trauma was psychological and emotional due to the loss of a business and then the loss of my family. When you said, ‘Before I addressed and confronted my denial, anger and resentments through my grieving process I treated other people with the same contempt that I showed myself. My contempt was manifested through the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, other people and myself,’ my jaw dropped. I would like to develop a dialog with you as I am discovering that anger is something that is pervasively studied and written about but few really understand the etiology of anger being rooted in ‘unrealistic expectations.’ Let me know if you would like to develop further discussions by email. I hope to hear from you. Good luck. Chuck
Hi Chuck,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement my friend. I have written about anger in many of post that are found with in my site map: https://secondchancetolive.org/site-map/ Most recently I wrote a series of articles on the grieving process, limiting scripts and denial. I am not putting you off by suggesting that you read through my 281 articles that are found in my site map, however I believe you may find some of the answers to your questions on anger. I would encourage you to read through my site map and then click on the link to the article that you would like to read. In my articles I seek to address topics in such a way to help the reader to live life on life’s terms.
As you spend time reading through the articles that are found with in my site map, I believe the information will resonate with you, as you mentioned below, When you said, ‘Before I addressed and confronted my denial, anger and resentments through my grieving process I treated other people with the same contempt that I showed myself. My contempt was manifested through the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, other people and myself,’ my jaw dropped.
As you read through my artilcles let me know what resonates with you.
Have a great day my friend and thank you for leaving a comment.
Craig
The second paragraph is where I am ~ you keep refering to through your process and awareness you were able to overcome. What is the process and awareness? I know all of the things I should be feeling, doing, believing and saying in my head and can rattle it all off, but my gut doesn’t believe a damn word of it. Ohio has nothing for TBI survivors and at this point I am angry because I wouldn’t even consider myself a survivor. I am lucky and grateful to be alive for my 4 children and husband but I fake it everyday therefore I haven’t survived and wonder will I ever get there and actually can I ever get beyond. Will I ever hold a job that supports my family~ my income from disability (STRS) and insurance for the family is vital. Even with a masters I have always felt stupid as I measure my competencies based on others and now I really come up on the short end of the stick. I have no one to talk to and I fear that my one friend whom I consider a “number 3 friend” is he really my friend or have I “taken him hostage”
Hi Carol,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for what you shared with me. What you ask in your email is excellent. First of all let me say I have a master’s degree and I am also receiving a disability check and assistance to survive. Over time and through my process — life time and what I have learned through my experience — has given my awareness. In my experience, I had to arrive at a place of acceptance. Gaining acceptance is too a process. I have written a series of articles that you may find to be helpful Carol. I will include links to those articles below this article Carol.
I have come to realize that it is not so much of what happens to me that matters, but how if respond to what happens to me. Life is a process, not a destination. I am learning as I go and I need to remember the principle of progress not perfection.
It is what it is and because it is as it is I get to learn to use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me. Follow your passions — what empowers your process Carol.
Read through the articles at your own pace. Let me know if the information is helpful.
Have a pleasant evening and keep on keeping on. More will be revealed in time.
God bless both you, your husband and your four children Carol.
Craig
Traumatic Brain Injury and Energy
Traumatic Brain Injury, Denial and Limiting Scripts — Part 1
Traumatic Brain injury, Denial and Limiting Scripts — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury and Overcoming Denial — Part 1
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process — Part 1
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process — Part 3
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Process of Grieving — Anger and Resentment — Part 4
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process — Awareness– Part 5
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process — Acceptance — Part 6
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Process of Grieving — Action — Part 7
Traumatic Brain Injury — Moving beyond the Grieving Process
Traumatic / Acquired Brain Injury — What Is Keeping You Stuck?
Second Chance to Live — What is keeping you stuck?
Traumatic Brain Injury — Following your bliss…regardless
A Very Powerful Principle — Keeping my Acceptance High and my Expectations Low Part 1
A Very Powerful Principle — Keeping my Acceptance High and my Expectations Low Part 2
Brain Injury, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect and Significance
Living with a Disability — Go and Make it a Good Day
What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Part 1
What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Part 3
Traumatic Brain injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Part 4
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Confronting Denial — Part 5
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Anger and Resentments — Part 6
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Under a Mountain of Shame — Part 7
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — How Shame set Me up for Failure — Part 8
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing — Part 1
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing –Awareness — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing — Acceptance — Part 3
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing — Action — Part 4
Traumatic Brain Injury — Learning to Let Go of a Dream — Part 1 of 2
Traumatic Brain Injury — Learning to Let Go of a Dream — Part 2 of 2
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Coming out of Isolation — Part 5
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Breaking Free — Part 6
How to Find Hope
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Make it a Good Day — No Longer in the Shadows — Part 7
Living with a Disability and Winning in the Second Half
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers me to Go and Make it a Good Day — Exchanging a lie for the truth — Part 8
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing — Learning to Trust — Part 9
Traumatic Brain Injury — What Empowers Me to Go and Make it a Good Day — On the Road to Healing — Empowerment — Part 10
My Reactions / My Reality
Traumatic Brain Injury — Why do I React the Way I do? — Part 1
Traumatic Brain Injury — Why do I React the Way I do? — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury — Why do I React the Way I do? — Part 3
Traumatic Brain Injury — Why do I React the Way I do? — Part 4
Traumatic Brain Injury — THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE! Part 1 of 3
Traumatic Brain Injury — THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE! Part 2 of 3
Traumatic Brain Injury — THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE! Part 3 of 3
My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability
My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability — Part 2
My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability — Part 3
My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability — Part 4
Having an Invisible Disability — The Consequence of Denying my Reality — Part 1
Having an Invisible Disability — The Consequence of Denying my Reality — Part 2
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Double Bind
Traumatic Brain Injury and the Square Peg
Traumatic Brain Injury and Thriving as a Square Peg