I share the below with you to share what I learned through my process and journey. The information may also help you to understand why you may feel confused in your relationship (s). The good news is the learned behavior can be relearned. The information may also give you hope.
Understanding
In many dysfunctional family systems, shame seems to be the core driver. Shame can be used in various ways. Shame is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings and/or personal accountability. Shame can also be used to instill a fear of physical and emotional abandonment.
Shame manifests itself through blaming and scapegoating. Shame through blame demands compliance to avoid the threat of abandonment. In such family dynamics, each individual has to discard parts of themselves in order to avoid being shamed and abandoned. The threat of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abandonment can be used to control and manipulate.
Disowning and Discarding
Early in the child’s life, disowning or discarding occurs each time a trait, quality or characteristic displeases the parent or caregiver. Unconsciously the child learns through the parent’s eyes and gestures what pleases/displeases them and what needs to be discarded and denied. The child begins to associate any quality, characteristic or behavior that does not please the parent as bad.
In the event that the parent withholds affection or attention from the child –when the child does not “please” the parent– the threat of physical and/or emotional abandonment is instilled in the child. Withholding of affection or attention can be a terrifying event for any child. The child unknowingly begins to associate certain behaviors with specific responses from the parents or caregivers.
Learned Behavior
As the child continues to develop, they learn that repressing what does not please the parent is a way to avoid making Mommy or Daddy angry. {Repression –The unconscious exclusion of painful impulses, desires, or fears from the conscious mind} Over time the child learns that in order to please his or her parents they must discard any trait, characteristic or quality that displeases the parent.
Unconsciously the child may fear the threat of emotional and/or physical abandonment. Depending upon the level or dysfunction in the family system, the child may begin to use active suppression to protect themselves from feelings of annihilation. From feeling as though their live does not matter.{Suppression –the conscious exclusion of unacceptable desires, thoughts, or memories from the mind}.
As repression turns into suppression, denial becomes the operative mechanism to discard what is perceived as being unacceptable to the “love object” or parent. Unacceptable and a threat.
Internalization
Because the child learns to associate negative outcomes with specific qualities, characteristics, and traits, they may continue to berate themselves. Berate themselves for having “those” unacceptable qualities, characteristics and traits. As the child continues to develop; from an adolescent to a teenager, they may be unable to understand. Understand what makes them an “individual”; who is uniquely valuable.
Uniquely valuable, important and essential. As a result, they may continue to repress and suppress what is perceived unacceptable to avoid their fear of being abandoned physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Relationship Development
As the individual gets older and begins to seek to form intimate relationships, an interesting phenomenon occurs. The traits, qualities or characteristics once discarded (as they were growing up) are now admired in the new relationship. Initially, these traits are valued and appreciated in the beloved and then something horrible seems to occur. The shame once assigned to those discarded parts of the individual is now transferred onto the beloved. Insidiously, the beloved is now expected to carry that shame for having those once admired traits. Instead of these traits…
Being encouraged and nurtured, the once admired traits in the beloved are now viewed as a threat. A threat because those traits and characteristics had to be disowned to be loved and nurtured. They had to be disowned or discarded to as to not be blamed, shamed and criticized. If the two people stay together in the relationship, those qualities, traits, and characteristics will again have to be discarded. Shame has thus again won in the squelching of those qualities and characteristics in the beloved. If this goes unchecked, creativity is often lost and thrown by the wayside of life itself.
A Way Out — Awareness, Acceptance and Action
In my experience, I have found that the solution to ending the cycle of displaced and unresolved sadness resides in my being honest with myself. As part of being honest with myself, I needed to stop shaming and blaming myself for who I am as an individual. Although the other person in the relationship may shame me for being myself, I don’t have to carry their displaced and unresolved sadness. Their displaced and unresolved sadness for having been shamed for having those traits and characteristics. Their displaced and unresolved sadness for not being able to celebrate those once discarded parts of themselves. Their unresolved and displaced sadness for being myself.
Owning the Freedom to be Me
With this awareness, I began to realize that I no longer had to discard parts of myself in order to maintain relationships. With my awareness, I grew in awareness. Through being aware, I grew in my ability to recognize when someone wants me to carry their unresolved and displaced sadness. Through growing in awareness and acceptance, I was /am able to take a different course of action. If someone wants me to stop being who I am (through blaming and shaming me) to stay in a relationship with me, I need to remember that I have choices. Growing in awareness helped and helps me to evaluate if staying in the relationship is good for me. If I continue to stay in the…
Stay in the relationship, I may continue to find myself being dragged under emotionally and spiritually. Each person has to do their own work to resolve their own displaced sadness and shame. Whether they choose to do the work to own their displaced sadness and shame ultimately needs to be their choice. With this awareness, I no longer have to discard parts of me to be loved or valued.
Especially at the expense of carrying someone’s displaced and unresolved sadness or shame.
Below is a 2 part article series and a 2 part video presentation series of tools. Tools that have helped me find parts of myself that I had discarded because of my fear of abandonment. The tools may also help you. Help you to reclaim parts of yourself that you have discarded because of your fear of abandonment.
Article Series
Second Chance to Live – Action Steps Revisited – An Overview Part 1
Second Chance to Live — Action Steps Revisited — A Synopsis Part 2
Video Presentation Series
Second Chance to Live — Action Steps Revisited — An Overview Video Presentation Part 1
Second Chance to Live — Action Steps Revisited — A Synopsis Video Presentation Part 2
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