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Living with the impact of a brain injury can leave us feeling alone and isolated from ourselves and other people.
In our isolation, we may then also feel rejected, excluded, ostracized and that our lives do not matter.
Labels, stereotypes and a societal stigmatization can then serve to reinforce our feelings of isolation and alienation.
In addition to our feeling alienated, cliques then perpetuate the notion that we just don’t measure up. That we just don’t measure up because of different expectations. Stated and unstated expectations.
As I have shared in my autobiography, my brain injury occurred when I was 10 years in 1967.
Because I grew up at a time when there was little known about the impact of brain injuries, I had no idea how my life was and had been affected socially.
Affected socially by the mindset and behaviors of “cliques” that further left me feeling alienated and alone.
A Movie that Opened my Eyes to What I Experienced
In 1985 I watched a movie, while at graduate school, The Breakfast Club. The movie was set as a comedy, however as I watched the movie the plot opened my eyes.
Opened my eyes to what I experienced while in high school. A “social” structure that identified individuals as being in a clique. Either a “jock”, “a freak” or a “nerd”. With in this movie, each character represented a unique clique.
As depicted in the movie, The Breakfast Club, cliques were the way students identified themselves. How they identified themselves and how they choose to interact with other students.
As in My High School
As in my high school, each individual in the movie found themselves identified with a “clique”. The individual, once identified with the clique, was labeled and stereotype as a member of the clique.
Once identified with the clique the individual was typecast in that role. Consequently, they were no longer seen as an individual, but found themselves stereotyped as a member of the clique.
My Place
Although I was athletic, I did not play varsity sports so I did not fit in with the “jock” clique. I was not rebellious or antisocial, so I did not in with the “freak” clique. I was smart, so I found myself being assigned to the “nerd” clique.
Being in this clique resulted in my being picked on and bullied by people in the “jock” and “freak” cliques.
As a result, I found myself being made fun of by the “jocks” and “freaks” because I did not fit into their cliques in high school. Growing up, the impact of a brain injury did not help matters. I found myself rejected and excluded as a “nerd” and ostracized for reasons that I did not understand — my invisible disability.
As I have surveyed my life, I have found myself interacting with similar “cliques”.
Recently I have started back interacting, in person, with groups of people (after Covid). Interestingly, I found myself triggered and experiencing an “emotional hangover” after interacting with specific individuals.
Because of my emotional hangover I took time to process what I was experiencing. Through writing what became apparent was that these individuals reminded me of individuals in these “cliques” in high school.
Why these individuals reminded me of my experience with cliques, was not as important as examining why I was triggered. By examining why I was triggered, I was able to let go of the emotional hangover.
Being Rejected and Excluded by Individuals or Groups of Individuals
Being rejected and excluded by an individual or groups of individuals is not all about me. Therefore, I am able to better detach, realizing that I may be rejected and excluded based on a prior “clique” mindset.
People are who they are in their stage of maturity. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people (including myself) can be “stuck”. As a result, they may feel comfortable relating though familiar”cliques”.
With this awareness and understanding, I am better able to practice, live and let live and quit taking it personally. Quit taking it personally when I interact with individuals who”trigger” me.
Beyond the Clique / Role Trigger
As with the not measuring up, because I was not a “jock” or a “freak” in high school, as an adult in society, I can feel inadequate.
As an individual living with a brain injury and an invisible disability, I can also feel inadequate because of a diagnosis.
Because I have not been able to maintain gainful employment for many years, I can also feel inadequate.
Because I have not been able to measure up to many societal standards, I can also feel inadequate.
Because I have not been able to fulfill the role of a hunter/gatherer, I can also feel inadequate.
But the good news is that I do not have to feel inadequate because of these standards/roles.
What I have Learned that Gives me Freedom
As an adult and through my ongoing brain injury recovery process I have come to realize and accept several realities.
My Worth and Value as an Individual
I have come to realize that my worth and value comes from being authentically me. Being authentically me, as I go about fulfilling my Higher Power’s will for my life. Fulfilling my Higher Power’s will for me through my gifts, talents and abilities. Using my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me as I seek to be of service. Be of service to the individuals who want what I have to give through my gifts, talents and abilities.
And, I Don’t Have to Climb a Tree to Prove Anything
I don’t have to be able to climb a tree to feel adequate.
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will lives its whole life believing it it stupid.” Albert Einstein
Tools to Empower Serenity
With this awareness and understanding I am better able to detach emotionally. Detach emotionally when I feel rejected, excluded or ostracized. Detach when I interact with an individual (s) operating from a “clique”.
In the process of detaching emotionally, I am better able to practice live and let live.
By detaching emotionally, I am better able to keep the focus on myself. I am better able to run my own race by steering clear of the “clique” mindset. A mindset that leads me to believe that I am not enough.
Below is a prayer that helps me to embrace compassion for both myself and other people.
Peace Prayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
Below are links to several articles that I wrote that helped me understand what I was experiencing and helped me. As questions come to mind, please send those questions to me. All questions a good questions.
The information in these articles may also help you. Click on the links to read the articles:
I Am Not a “Label” — Being Our Own Best Cheerleader
Is the Group that You are In Hurting You? — Are you being Bullied?
Beyond Feeling Excluded — Are You Being Bullied by a Individual or Group?
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