Several days ago I began this series as an addendum or in follow up to an article that I wrote, Living with a Disability — Go and Make it a Good Day. I began this series because in my experience I found that I could not begin to Go and Make it a Good Day until I addressed what kept me from being able to Go and Make it a Good Day. Per your information, each part of the series builds upon the previous parts of the series and each part of the series is connected to the series as a whole.
That is why I suggest that each of the previous parts be read for context.
I hope you are benefiting from my experience, strength and hope. Please let me know if the content of the series is helping you. Thank you.
Please read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 for context. Thank you.
And now for Part 8 of the series.
Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame undermined my experience for many years because I did not believe that I made mistakes, but that I was a mistake.
When I started to experience my anger — in my helplessness — I turned that anger inwards. For many years, I unknowingly allowed my anger to fester in the realm of resentments. I had resentments toward various people, but the biggest resentment that I maintained was against myself. I was resentful towards myself because I was unable to do enough to be enough. Consequently, I spent huge amounts of time and energy chiding and berating myself because of my shame.
In my striving to be more — to prove that I was not a mistake — I discovered that I repeatedly sabotaged myself — through fear — because of my anger, resentments and shame.
In my awareness, I discovered that much of the judgement and criticism that I had of other people and myself stemmed from my lack of self-acceptance. I then discovered that I projected my critical and judgemental attitude onto the people, places and situations who did not measure up to my expectations. With time and through my recovery process, I began to realize that the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, myself and other people impeded my ability to trust.
Through my process, I discovered that the unrealistic expectations that I had of God, myself and other people severely impeded my ability to trust.
I then discovered that because I had difficulty trusting I sought to control and manipulate God, people, places and things. When I was unable to control or manipulate outcomes, I became angry, resentful and in the process isolated. My judgmental and critical attitudes — in the process — alienated anyone who might have been willing to help. Most importantly, I cut myself from the Source of my healing– a loving God — who alone could save me from myself.
In my process, I discovered that — as I held onto my anger and my resentments — I pushed the true Source of my healing away from me. Consequently, through my critical and judgmental attitude — fueled by my anger, resentments and shame — I became my own worse enemy.
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