To better understand what I share in the 5th and final part of this series, please read each of the previous Part of the article series by clicking on these links: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 and Part 4. Thank you.
In August 2007 I wrote this 4 part series. In lieu of what transpired with Natasha Richardson and the subject matter of traumatic brain injury being discussed as an invisible disability — on ABC Radio San Francisco KGO AM 810 March 18, 2009 — I decided to reprint this 4 part series in its entirety. I wrote part 5 as an addendum to the first 4 parts to share some reflections and insight that I gained through what I shared in the 1st 4 parts.
In my experience, denial kept me isolated and alienated from myself and other people — for many years — until I was able to begin to accept myself and my reality.
And now for the conclusion — Part 5
In these various scenario’s I seek to be kind and considerate. Nevertheless, I have learned that I need to limit the amount of time that I spend with such individuals.
My desire to bring about win-win outcomes teaches me to honor my limitations. When I honor my limitations I honor my relationships. Consequently, I have come to respect my limitations and value the abilities I possess. Because I have experienced the consequences of not respecting my limitations I made the decision to not place myself in a situation that would invariably produce a lose-lose outcome. In my attempt to provide a win-win outcome I decided to spend 2-3 weeks at the second location.
Through making the decision to spend my time at the second location, I was told that I never wanted to help the parties move in the first place. In reality, because I needed to respect my limitations, and because of previous information I received from the parties who will be moving, I made the decision to spend my time at the second location. The second location quickly became my priority because of love.
My prayer is that the matter I have shared throughout this 5 part series will be resolved in peace. Your prayers would also be highly valued. My struggle living with an invisible disability certainly has and continues to be a tool for instruction. I am grateful for the opportunities that my unique set of circumstances provides because I know that my circumstances are not meant to keep me down but they are provided to build me up and point me in the direction of my destiny.
As an empowered individual, I can live life on life’s terms because I know that more will be revealed.
Update 1:
I have since visited and learned a needed lesson. I need to limit the duration of my visits to 3-5 days. No one is to blame as it is as it is. By accepting this reality, I can practice live and let live. I have also learned that when I do not respect my limitations — regardless of whether other people do — I set myself up for a lose-lose scenario.
Update 2:
Since the writing of this 5 part series, my relationships with the different groups of individuals has improved significantly. As I have accepted my reality — instead of trying to convince them of my reality — I have been able to minimize conflicts. I have also found that by keeping the focus on me, I have been able to keep my expectations in check. I also found that by continuing to limit the amount of time that I spend with individuals, who want or need me to deny my reality, I am less frustrated. I am less frustrated with both myself and with those individuals. I also have found that as I practice the principle of live, and let live I am able to have more serenity in my life. I have also come to realize that the less I try to change what other people believe about me, the better able I am to get on with living my own life.
I have also come to realize that the less I try to change what other people believe about me, the better able I am to get on with living my own life. I have also come to realize that as I respect myself and own my reality — the impact of living with an invisible disability — I am able to respect what other people want or need to believe about me. I have also come to realize that the only one who I can change is me. As I remember that reality, I am able to keep the focus on myself and continue to use what I have in ways that work for me. I am better able to live my own life, run my race and stay committed to my course.
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I find it so hard to live with an invisible disability myself ~ to me it is not concrete I guess if I cannot see it. How then can I expect those around to see it as well? There is trememdous guilt in not working when on the outside my body appears fine. My former colleagues, teachers as we are, should I guess see it as a learning disability. But we don’t teach our learning disabled students that they should just do the best they can because they will never acquire what is needed to be gainfully employed and they will end on disability like me. So many contradictions. Does a TBI and SAH really exist or am I just so severely depressed that I am easily tried, easily irritated, have memory loss issues with short term memory, have emotions that are on edge, feel as though I am not good enough in my need to be perfect for myself, have a growth hormone deficiency and the list goes on. I am a mess for me, my family, the few friends that I can count on one hand and I don’t know where to turn. My therapist thinks everything is affective and there is nothing neurological or physically wrong and that the brain injury has healed itself and she specializes in TBI. Does it really heal?
Hi Carol,
I believe I both understand and empathize with you on the matters you share in your comment. I have found that I needed to work with a counselor that understands the invisible nature of a traumatic brain injury. From what you tell me below, the individual that you are currently seeing may not understand — beyond mental assent. From what you share the individual that you are currently working with does not seem to grasp your reality. If possible, I would strongly encourage you to find a different counselor.
I am not a medical Dr.or a neurologist so I can not advise you per your specific set of circumstances and medical concerns. Nevertheless, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to various professionals. These professionals may be able to give you the clarity and help you are searching for Carol.
Maybe speaking with your neurologist would yield some possibilities Carol. If you have not already undergone a neuro pscyhe exam I would encourage you to schedule such an appointment. If you could also have an EEG scheduled you would be able to obtain diagnostic documentation of your reaitiy — your brain injury / your invisible disability Carol. The
neuro psychologist to connect you with a psychologist / counselor who would be supportive and helpful. You certainly do not need to be shamed by “professionals’ who do not have a clue concerning how your brain injury impacts your life.
Depression goes hand in hand with brain injuries. If you can meet with a psychiatrist and explain your situation and he / she may be able to help treat your depression. There is no shame in seeking and asking for help Carol. I am glad that some one gave me the permission to do so several years ago. Please do not let people guilt or shame you for your
reality.
As you read in my series My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability, many people are not going to “get it”. Consequently, those individuals are not going to be able or interested in validating our realities as brain injury survivor —
individuals who have sustained brain injuries. Over the past 42 years I have experienced plenty of denial from both family
members and friends. I am currently in the process of reprinting an article that I wrote approximately 2 1/2 years ago.
Traumatic Brain Injury and Denial — My Perspective as a TBI Survivor. You may like to read the entire article. Here is the link
to that article and to several other article that you may find to be helpful Carol.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/05/12/traumatic-brain-injury-and-denial-my-perspective-as-a-tbi-survivor/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/21/having-an-invisible-disability-%E2%80%93-the-consequence-of-denying-my-reality%E2%80%94part-1/ a
2 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/28/traumatic-brain-injury-and-the-double-bind/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/11/16/traumatic-brain-injury-and-the-identified-patient-%E2%80%93-part-1/ a
2 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2008/04/24/traumatic-brain-injury-and-small-successes/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2008/06/12/traumatic-brain-injury-following-your-bliss%E2%80%A6regardless/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2008/07/07/traumatic-brain-injury-self-esteem-and-significance/
I will say so long for now. Do not give up on your process, a loving God or yourself. More will be revealed to you in time.
Keep you chin up. You have a future and a hope!
God bless both you and your family Carol.
Craig