In the event that these expectations are not satisfied, resentments may become an insidious factor in the relationship. If these resentments are not addressed, a power struggle may become an integral part of the relationship — as each person jockeys to have their expectations met. Passive-aggressive behaviors may then be used to side step being controlled or manipulated. The foundation of the relationship may begin to crack under the weight of such resentments and behavior. Consequently, apart from one or both parties using the principle of detachment, the relationship may crumble.
I have found that the principle of detachment is not meant to keep people out, but to keep me in. This means that I accept responsibility for my own feelings, needs, and wants. Through this understanding, I am free to mind my own business. Although I am responsible to others, I am not responsible for them or their choices.
My experience has taught me that I can give each person the dignity for making their own choices. Detachment allows me to accept that I too have choices. Subsequently, I no longer need to be held hostage to people and their choices. Detachment allows me to accept where I begin and other people end. Detachment allows me to accept that I am free to be responsible to and for my own happiness and contentment. Detachment sets me free from the trap of believing that I need to “fix” another person so that we can be OK — in our relationship — before that I can be OK with myself. Detachment allows me to be accountable to and for my feelings, needs and wants.
Through being accountable to and for my feelings, needs, and wants I allow my relationships to breathe.
Consequently, control and manipulation no longer need to drive my relationships. Through practicing personal responsibility — for my feelings,needs and wants — I create a win / win dynamic with in the relationship. Rather than being codependent in the relationship, I become independent — while at the same time I become interdependent with in the relationship. By practicing healthy detachment, the relationship becomes a place where each person is able to give freely of themselves apart from the pressure of unrealistic expectations. As each person with in the relationship remains accountable and responsible for themselves, personal empowerment becomes a way of life.
Personal responsibility and accountability with in the relationship encourages personal empowerment. Personal empowerment, empowers the relationship because each person is able to give freely of themselves.
As you read this article and questions come to mind, please send those questions to me. All questions are good question. In the event that you would like to leave a comment, I would love to hear from you. You may send your question (s) or comment (s) by clicking on this link: Contact Page
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Craig:
I find this so insightful. Thanks.
This is really a solution to a lot of what we go through in life–trying to please everyone is impossible. Attempting to please anyone at all points is impossible, but, even though I realize this to be true, there is something in me that still longs for it. i believe this is the longing for heaven that has been built into each of us as God’s image bearers. In order to be more effective in relating to others, expectations must be lowered–kind of a Special Education mode of Task Analysis–breaking every task into manageable segments and celebrating the completion of even the small steps. (I was a Special Education teacher for almost ten years) Detachment is part of this process; limiting expectations, so that success is more feasible.
Your point that “detachment allows me to accept where I begin and other people end. Detachment allows me to accept that I am free to be responsible to and for my own happiness and contentment” is germane to my situation and I appreciate your insight, as I often tend to take on self criticism and others join in when things do not go right. Then, it seems that others blame me for their problems. I desire to be a problem solver but think that I in some manner believe I am responsible for the solution, when this is not true. Detachment appears to be the solution I need to employ.
Thanks again,
Christopher