Today, I would like to share some thing that helped me to understand what undermined my ability to create hope in my life for many years. My motivation is not to point the finger in anyone’s direction, but to share what helped me to connect the dots. The beauty in living is that we can make a decision to change our behavior at any time. The process of behavior modification usually begins with awareness that is followed by acceptance and results in action. Awareness provides the opportunity to address whatever is not in our best interest or in the best interest of the people we love. Acceptance acts like a balm to soften the walls of our resistance and bring us to a place of action. The action that we take provides the momentum that helps us to resolve feelings of shame and guilt.
As shared in several of my previous articles, detaching from a family system and a family system role is essential to be able to create hope in our lives. Understanding how we get tied to a family system and a family system role is essential to be able to detach and individuate. When parents do not deal with their shame and guilt, they make their children carry it for them. In many instances, the shame transfer is a learned behavior that is passed from one generation to the next. Through my recovery process, I have learned many valuable lessons. One of the most valuable lessons is that I am not responsible for anyone’s shame or guilt. I do not have to carry the burden of another persons unresolved guilt or shame. Each person is given an opportunity to learn and grow from his or her individual experiences. If they chose to avoid or deny the reasons for their irritability, restlessness and discontentment, I do not have to absorb or carry their pain or shame. I do not have to carry the unresolved.
Shame is different from guilt, in the with guilt you can make an amends. Shame on the other hand is a being wound that is inherent in the individual. With shame, the individual is led to believe that they do not make mistakes, but that they are mistakes. Shame is a being wound. By detaching or separating myself from assuming the responsibility for another person’s irritability, restlessness and discontent I am able to keep the focus on myself. By keeping the focus on myself, I am able to allow other people to resolve or not resolve the reasons for their own shame, guilt or expectations. By doing so, I give them dignity for their choices, while resolving the reasons for my own guilt and shame. By working on and resolving my own guilt and shame, I am able to find the freedom to create sparks of hope in my life.
In conclusion, I would encourage the parents who are reading this post to encourage your children. Your child may have an invisible disability that has gone undetected for many years. If you want your child to excel avoid blaming, shaming and criticizing them for not being more. They may not be able to reach your expectations, however they may be doing the best that they can. By acknowledging this reality, you will be able to cultivate an empowering relationship with your children that will last a lifetime. Parents by nature want their children to grow up to be professional adults. Having such a hope is not wrong, however your child may never be able to become a Doctor or a Lawyer or some other dream you have for them. Encourage your children, teenagers and young adults to follow their dreams, not yours. Nurture their strengths and you will both get what you desire, an empowered individual who is following after their bliss. Resolve your own guilt and shame so that you can create sparks of hope in your children’s lives. Don’t kill hope, because of…
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