Lessons I Learned — When I Maintain the Three Rules — Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. In the past 2 articles I spoke about what I discovered that helped me to begin to heal on an spiritual, emotional and physical level. In this article I will share an article that I wrote in follow up to that article 5 years ago, How to Heal Spiritually, Emotionally and Physically – Break the Three Unspoken Rules. In the below article I will share what I discovered and would invite you to share any other consequences that come to mind as you read my article.

The Three Rules Revisited — Consequences

Hi, and welcome back to my web log. I am glad you decided to stop by and rest. Last night I introduced three rules that need to be broken. Today I will briefly sum-mate those rules and then provide some of the consequences of maintaining those rules. The list is not comprehensive. You may also want to add to the list of consequences.

Don’ Talk

This rule is often burned into the subconscious of the individual through threat of reprisal. The individual has to live their life from the lie based on the denial inherent in the secret or conflict. The secret is more often than not connected to shame and guilt. The secret becomes more valuable that the individuals. Shame and guilt perpetuate the denial that debilitate the individual. Denial promotes dysfunction in an attempt to justify the secret or conflict. With in a family that promotes the Don’t Talk rule, each member assumes or is given a role to mask the secrets or conflicts.

Don’ Trust

This rule isolates the individual from the help that could be found to resolve the conflict. The individual also learns to trade their judgment for the judgment of other people. When the individual does not trust their judgment, they become vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals. The individual becomes conditioned to accepting abuse from and by the judgment of other people. As the abuse continues the individual internalize the reasons for the abuse as being their fault. The abuse confirms that they can not trust themselves or their judgment.

Don’t Feel

This rule alienates the individual from them selves. When the individual discards the part of themselves that connects them to their creativity, they slowly die from the inside out. Feelings are the mechanisms that connect our soul to our spirit, which in turn enables us to interpret our environment (Please read, A tool from my toolbox). When I feel, my brain connects with my heart, which makes me unique. In families where feelings are considered a threat, the individual learns to shut down emotionally. Feelings are often seen as a threat because they are connected to an unresolved conflict or secret. In many dysfunctional group settings feelings are also minimized and discouraged for this very reason.

The Consequences – Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Feel

• Each of these rules — in effect — minimizes the quality of life for the individual.
• These rules impede the individual from discovering who they really are – their authentic creative self.
• If I am sworn to secrecy or told that I can not trust anyone, I will have a difficult time trusting anyone, including myself
• I will see little value in feeling my feelings.
• I will become a reactor to what occurs in my life, instead of being an actor or proactive participant in my life.
  
• I will believe that life is merely a gauntlet of obstacles to overcome and struggles to hopefully survive.
• I will become preoccupied with people pleasing and approval seeking and I will be afraid and reluctant to  think outside the box. (Please read my post, Are You Living In a Box?)
• I will be in a constant state of anxiety, without knowing how to stop the madness.
• I will buy into the notion that someone is to blame. Personal responsibility will be replaced with control and manipulation to take the focus off of myself.
• I will believe I am a victim of my circumstances and an heir to misery.
  
• I will not look for solutions, but will be satisfied with being abused by strong willed individuals.
• I will seek to justify my behavior, because I am not at fault.
• I will live my life in quiet desperation, because I have no hope.
  
• I will question faith and buy into the notion that if it is meant to be, it is up to me.
  
• I will live in insecurity, as I ease God out of my life (EGO).
  
• I will see myself as a statistic, instead of as an empowered being with specific meaning and purpose.
• I will minimize, marginalize, dismiss and discount my capacity to positively impact and influence my world.
  
• I will believe that I am responsible for rather than to other people. I will be preoccupied with other people’s restlessness, irritability and discontentment.
  
• I will not develop faith in a power greater than my self, because no one can be trusted.
• I will seek out drama to feel alive. I will seek to live in the identity of a role to qualify my worth.
  
• I will never be satisfied with life and my relationships. Good will never be, good enough.
• I will unconsciously seek to be involved in relationships that perpetuate my despondency.
• I will remain in denial and trade the truth for a lie to conceal the families pain or secret..
• I will seek to stymie, ridicule and criticize anyone who makes me feel my feelings.
• I will merely survive and exist in a universe that can not be trusted.

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