Through completing my 4th Step inventory and then by meeting with my sponsor to do a 5th Step, “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs” I had a series of spiritual awakenings. These spiritual awakenings forever changed my life and the way that I would relate to God, myself and others.
As I shared my 4th step with my sponsor I began to realize that my choices had in effect sabotaged all my relationships. My unrealistic expectations — through my resentments — in affect led me to become suspicious, cynical and distrustful.
My resentments — fueled by my unrealistic expectations — cut me off from the sunlight of the Spirit. In the process my unrealistic expectations severely hampered my ability to trust anyone or anything. My inability to trust subsequently drove me to strive all more in an attempt to overcompensate for my inability to trust.
Another spiritual awakening revealed that control and manipulation had become a way in which I related to my relationships and my environment. In my awareness I realized that I had used such control and manipulation in my relationships in both overt and covert ways — to force solutions — to feel safe.
One other spiritual awakening — that I had through completing my 4th and 5th step — revealed that in my striving (s) to overcompensate for my inability to trust — I — inadvertently reinforced my fear of abandonment; as well as my feelings of alienation and isolation. See Learning to Trust Part 5.
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