Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am so glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about a topic that presents the individual with a conundrum. The state of being alone can be perceived as a threat or a blessing. I have come to understand that the distinction lies with in the unconscious mind of the individual. Many times the distinction remains blurred because of a lack of knowledge.
Through my process I have come to understand the distinction. Let me share what I have learned. Early in a child’s development, being alone is often linked to a learned helpless. Without the proactive attention and support from caregiver the needs of the child will go unmet. Unconsciously the child begins to associate the fulfillment of their needs to the presence of their caregiver. Because the child’s well being is connected to the caregiver a dependency is formed.
When the caregiver seeks to have their emotional needs met through the child, the child suffers emotionally. Unknowingly the child assumes responsibility for the caregiver.
Through being dependent, vulnerability is forever linked to having and getting physical and emotional needs met. Consequently, the child is conditioned to believe that if the caregiver is not happy their needs may go unmet. The association between getting and having needs met and care taking the caregiver may subsequently create an internal struggle. The struggle may initially be on a subconscious level, but with time the unspoken expectation (s) becomes clear to the child.
The needs of the child, adolescent and teenager become dependent upon an unconscious formula – I need to make you OK so that we can be OK so that I can be OK with me – in order to get my needs met by you.
The child is conditioned to believe that unless the caretaker is happy, the child may not get their needs met. Unconsciously – over time — the child is led to believe that their needs are secondary to pleasing the caregiver. As the individual becomes an adolescent, a teenager and then a young adult the lessons learned as a child are unconsciously transposed on to other relationships. The paradigm between getting their needs met and care taking the needs of other people is blurred.
In essence, the adolescent, the teenager and then the young adult learns that their needs are not as important as satisfying the narcissistic needs of another person.
As the teenager grows into a young adult the core belief — that they can not be OK with themselves until they are OK with other people — becomes an unconscious motivator as they relate to their world. Consequently the young adult may be led to believe that – as the child once was led to believe – that their adult needs can not be met before they meet the narcissistic needs of another adult. As a result, a sense of helplessness may be attached to their perceived vulnerability because they are unable to meet the needs of another adult. To read the 2nd part of this article, please click Part 2
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