I have often heard people say, “I just seem to pick people (companions) that are emotionally unavailable”. When I hear them speak of their frustration, I can definitely relate. I remember saying this to some friends some years ago, “If I could only find a woman who was emotionally available, I would be happy. I have come to realize that my interpretation of an emotionally available woman (at that time) was one that would intuitively be available for me, when I had a need. This presumption was often based in the expectation that if I tried to be emotionally available for her, then she should be for me. These expectations were often unclear and unrealistic.
When these expectations were left unfulfilled, I became disappointed and disillusioned. Over time, I would begin to develop resentments toward the woman I was dating. Through maintaining these resentments, I was unable to see that I was responsible for my own happiness. My disappointment often left me feeling victimized because I thought my happiness was connected to the intuitive ability of the person I was dating.
Since that time, I have come to realize that my emotional well being is my responsibility. I am accountable to and for my own feelings, needs and wants. Through being accountable to myself, I will not set myself up to be disappointed. The notion of needing to be completed through a relationship will drift away. I will no longer seek to be completed by another person, nor will I seek to complete the person I am dating.
Enhancement rather than completion will be the goal in my relationships. Instead of being needy or seeking to get from a relationship, my goal will be to empower the relationship. In the event that a relationship becomes a power struggle, I will step back and evaluate who is seeking what, and why from the relationship. Through maintaining this awareness, I can be accountable to the relationship, but not for the relationship. As both parties seek to maintain emotional sobriety, individual accountability will reinforce the quality and character of the relationship. Emotional responsibility then becomes the touchstone upon which emotional availability deepens the relationship.
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