Article written in June 2011 and revised today, June 2024.
Last evening I listened to the tail end of a radio program. The radio program’s focus was on regaining dignity after experiencing and living with a traumatic brain injury.
While listening to the radio program I felt led to share several thoughts with the listeners, however because of a lack of time I was not given the opportunity to do so.
Consequently, I would like to share those thoughts with you.
Several Definitions
Dignity noun — the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect
Dignity — in some of its modern usages has come to mean the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically. Wikipedia
In my experience, my tbi occurred in 1967 when I was 10 years old. For many years I remained unaware of how my traumatic brain injury impacted my life, my relationships and my well-being. I found that my ability to honor, value and respect myself was repeatedly undermined by disappointments, disillusionment and discouragement, because I could not and did not know how to accept, value and respect myself.
Accept, honor, value and respect myself because I was unaware and blamed for what I didn’t know.
Because I was blamed for what I did not know, I experienced a pervasive sense of shame. I did not know what I didn’t know, so I shamed myself. Shame myself for what I thought I should have already mastered. S.H.A.M.E — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. My sense of shame drove my life and kept me blinded to understanding that I could experience dignity by learning to accept my best efforts.
Accepting my Best Efforts
Because I did not allow myself to experience dignity, I strove to overcompensate for what I did not understand. I strove to do more, to be more so that I would feel as though I was enough. Nevertheless, I rarely felt satisfied with my efforts, because I was looking for validation from outside of myself. I was looking for validation and comparing my efforts with people not living with the impact of a brain injury.
When I “Woke Up”
When I “woke up” to what I was powerless to change (the impact of my brain injury) the pain of denying my reality exceeded the pain of needing to continue to deny my reality. My pain motivated me to examine my life in the context of my reality. My examination helped me to begin to live my life in a new way. My examination taught me how I could live my life with a sense of honor, value and self-respect.
Live with Dignity by Accepting my Best Efforts
As I have previously shared with you, during the course of my life time I have trained in various martial arts. In May of 2000 I started to train in a new style of martial arts. Through the course of training under my Sensei he shared several principles with me. These principles have helped me to connect the dots in my life and have helped me to experience dignity in living with the impact of a brain injury.
Principle 1
During one conversation Sensei (instructor) shared with me the principle of “baking a cake”. He told me that he would give me the necessary ingredients that would give me the tools to bake my cake. To bake the “cake” to obtain my black belt in International Martial Arts and Boxing. Since that time, I have been using this principle, in martial arts and as an individual in my ongoing brain injury recovery process.
Practical application to living my life with dignity
By applying this principle, I have been able to stop shaming myself for what I have not yet been able to accomplish. I began to see my circumstances (what occurred in my life) as opportunities to learn. Learn from instead of judging my efforts. Learn and benefit from instead of viewing my circumstances as gauntlets to survive. Through becoming aware, I started to see how all my circumstance taught me lessons.
“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” Babe Ruth
“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.” Auguste Rodin
“I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas Edison
Circumstances as “Mini Training Camps”
With my awareness, I began to see my circumstances as “mini training camps”. Circumstances given to teach me new lessons. With my awareness, I began to see that my lessons prepared my ability to take full advantage of the opportunities that were and are given to me. Given to me to help me to create a sense of dignity in my life. To be able to grow in my ability to love, value and respect myself.
Love, value and respect myself, even when I fell shame, knowing that I am learning and growing. Learning and growing from the lessons (ingredients) that my circumstances are providing. With my awareness, I began to realize that I no longer need to allow my sense of dignity to be undermined by the voice of S.H.A.M.E. Instead, I could and continue to see my experience with dignity as a series of learning curves.
Principle 2
My Sensei (martial arts instructor) also shared something with me that has helped me. Helped me to put dignity in perspective. Sensei shared a principle that Bruce Lee taught. Sensei said, “How can I fill your cup, when your cup is full? You need to empty your cup, so that I can fill it.” He shared this principle with me because I had a difficult time letting go of what I had learned through my previous martial arts training.
“Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” Bruce Lee
“History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.” B.C. Forbes
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always to that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain
Being Willing to Learn Something New
By letting go of what I had known, I was able to learn from my Sensei and grow as a martial artist. By letting go of the way in which I thought “it” should be, I was able to learn a new way of application. By letting go of what I “thought” it should be, I was able to see things in a different way. In a way that helped me to stop placing judgements on the rate and pace at which I was learning and growing as a martial artist.
“Persistence and resilience only come through having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.” Gever Tulley
“Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s okay. You’re here to live your life, not to make everyone understand.” Banksy
Practical application to living life with dignity
In life and through my experience I have come to realize that I do not have the big picture. I have also come to realize any adversity is merely a switch on the railroad of life. Adversity has the effect of pointing me in a different direction. A direction that I may not have otherwise known or traveled. When adversity occurs; as with a tbi or an abi, our lives change. Who and what we are now able to do with our lives.
Nevertheless, we may want to hold on to what we have known. We may be resistant to change. We may be resistant to the principle of emptying our cup. We may be resistant to a new way of living. But the good news is that I (we) can let go of the way we think life should be, as before our brain injury. By emptying the cup of our or other people’s expectations we can create anew and look at dignity in a different way.
We can create anew and look at dignity in a different way. In a way in which we accept, honor, value and respect ourselves. Accept, honor, value and respect ourselves when other people can’t or won’t.
“Regardless of your lot in life, you can build something beautiful on it.” Zig Ziglar
“Don’t give up at half time. Concentrate on winning the second half.” Bear Bryant
“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” Guy Finley
“Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new-ending.” Carl Bard
“Ideas do not always come in a flash but by diligent trial-and-error experiments that take time and thought.” Charles K. Kao
“You can not connect the dots looking forwards. You can only connect the dots looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you confidence, even when your heart leads you off the well worn path. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
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