Yesterday I shared Moving through Doors of Hope. Walking through the door that has opened can be a challenge when there are people in your life who don’t want you to change. Denial can be used to convince you that you are wrong and they are right. Buying back into that denial (system) may appear real If you have traded your judgement for their judgement, for many years.
Making the break from the denial system can also feel like betrayal. A betrayal to a family system that defined your worth and value for many years. Betrayal of yourself, as you attempt to break free from an all too familiar role that you played and found yourself identifying with for many years. Breaking free of such a system and role is very painful.
This was my experience, as I was led to believe that I was to blame for the irritability, restlessness and discontent with in the system for many years. Growing up with an invisible disability bound me to the family system and the role because I was unaware. Unaware of many things that were out of my control and that I could not be changed.
In my experience, I had to hurt enough before I was able to confront both the denial of the family system and my role with in the family system. In my experience, as part of the process of confronting the denial of the family system and the role with in the system, I needed to confront the denial of the impact of my invisible disability.
As pain increased, so did my willingness to look closer at the “tentacles” that sought to keep me enmeshed to the denial from which I needed to find freedom. I needed to find freedom to be able to have a self and self-esteem. I needed to break free of the denial of the system, role and my limitations so that I could have a separate self.
I needed to break free of the denial so that I could begin to grow in self-awareness and self-acceptance. I needed to break free of the denial that kept / led me to believe that I was tied and bound to the limitations of my invisible disability. I needed to break free of the denial so that I could begin to find a way to create, apart from ways that did not work for me.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” George Bernard Shaw
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