If you have not already read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of Brain Injury, Stress, Anxiety, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years please do so by clicking on the below links.
Brain Injury, Stress, Anxiety, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Part 1
Brain Injury, Stress, Anxiety, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Part 2
Brain Injury, Stress, Anxiety, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Part 3
Family system roles — assigned and designed to contain unresolved conflict and family secrets — add stress and anxiety to family interactions. This stress seems to be exacerbated during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
What may have remained dormant for much of the year now emerges to trigger memories of abusive behavior. To compound or add to the stress of interacting with families is the excessive use of alcohol and /or other mind altering substances.
Abuse of alcohol and other mind altering substances exacerbate the stress and anxiety of family interactions.
What may have been denied as a concern — a family member’s drinking and drugging — comes center stage as family members interact. What was meant to be a joyous time — during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years — instead becomes a chaotic, crazy-making and walking on eggs shells experience. As the family system roles interact — as family members interact — blame and shame are passed around like a “hot potato” because no one in the family knows how to talk, trust or feel.
Because of the three unspoken family rules — Don’t talk, Don’t trust and Don’t feel — family members are led to believe they have no other choice but to endure family interactions during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Because of the three unspoken family rules family member are left feeling isolated, alienated and confused. Because of the three unspoken family rules hope for family intimacy — during the holiday season — is thrashed on the rocks or denial, disappointment and disillusionment.
Because of the three unspoken family rules trust is thrust again and again on the rocks of denial, disappointment and disillusionment. Because of the three unspoken rules, resentment and control drive family interactions. Because of the three unspoken family system rules family members do not know how to talk, trust or feel. For further explanation please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Vines.
The good news is that families do not have to suffer in silence. Although alcoholism and drug addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful family members can reach out for help. Isolation, alienation and confusion can be traded for hope. Each member of the family can attend Alanon and Alateen support group meetings. Alanon and Alateen meeting are for individuals who have been affected by another persons drinking or drugging — in a relative or friend. For support please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Support
The good news is that you and I no longer have to be alone to suffer in silence. The good news is that you and I can choose to reach out beyond your own best thinking. The good news is that you and I can reach out for help and people will reach back to us.
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Thank you for your insight and putting into words the difficulties people with a tramatic brain injury go through during the holiday season. This year I hosted Thanksgiving for my husband’s family, about 18 people. I really wanted to host and insisted on having dinner at my house. I wanted to host a holiday like I used to before my accident. I had a lot of help and everything turned out good, however it was still very difficult and I was not prepared ahead of time like I should have been. During the the event I became overwhellmed and tired. I did ok but I started to forget small details and dropped dishes. I was exhausted by the end of the night and the next several days since. It really wiped me out. The mental strain tires me out more than being on my feet all day. I will not volunteer to host a holiday again. It really was too much. I do not mention my distress to on one. My family really does not have a clue as to how difficult the whole process is for me. I to not articulate it very well either. Thank You for putting it into words that help me feel validated and ok.
Hello Mary Beth,
You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I am both blessed and honored by your time and kindness. Thank God that we are not our deficits or limitations. Nevertheless, thank God that we can accept and respect our limitations — regardless of whether anyone else understands. Like you, I can not know until I know…and that comes with experience. With everything — I have found — comes a learning curve, some times slowly, some times quickly. I have found that it just takes what it takes. By way of encouragement, you are doing excellent work Mary Beth.
Have a simply phenomenal day and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to both you and your family Mary Beth.
God bless you all Mary Beth.
Craig
Thank you for your article Craig. This year more than any other 4th anniversary of mom’s death and the death of my very dysfunctional family. My heart is breaking. I’m all alone and dont know how to quit sobbing inside from all of my losses. It would be so much easier without my brain injury and I’m tired of the struggle.
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Thank you for your comment and for what you shared with me. You are welcome. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. Godspeed to you, Dawn. I have heard that the holidays are particularly difficult as they stir up a lot of emotions. I am reminded that this too shall pass — the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years’). If you can, get to an Alanon meeting in your area. Alanon is for anyone who has been affected by the family disease of “ism”, whatever the ism may be, Dawn. Been affected by someone’s drinking or drugging — in a relative or a friend. No one is to blame. It is what it is. Going to meetings will help you to process your feelings and grieve your losses, Dawn. Here is a link to find a meeting in your area https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
In my experience, I have found that grieving just takes what it takes. If you are able I would invite you to write in a journal to process your feelings, Dawn. Writing helps me to process what’s going on with me. It helps me to process what is going on in my head and heart. Journaling also helps me to accept the things I can not change, change thHere is a link to find a meeting in your area.e things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I also need to remember that I need to stay in the day and try not to project. When I project, I get into fear. I would invite you to read my article, Brain Injury and What Might Have Been? by clicking on the below link, Dawn. Let me know what the article speaks to you.
Godspeed to you, Dawn.
Craig
Brain Injury and What Might Have Been? – Second Chance to Live https://secondchancetolive.org/2015/12/05/brain-injury-and-what-might-have-been/