Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Happy New Year to you and your family. God bless you all. Yesterday I attended a New Year’s day get together with a group of friends. We meet yearly at this couples home on New Year’s Day — January 1. I was glad to see and spend time with my friends, however there were several people — that move with in our circle of friends — that I had not seen in quite a while.
To make a long story short, I found myself reacting toward one of those individuals.
As I interacted with that individual I interpreted their facial expressions and behaviors as being critical, belittling and judgemental of me. Consequently, I found myself reacting to them. I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated and angry toward them. Rather than confronting the situation and the individual, I decided to detach physically and move to a different area of the house, where I could examine our interaction.
Through doing a quick moral inventory of myself I became aware of what I was experiencing. I discovered that I was experiencing a sense of shame because of their critical look and behavior, which I took personally. In response, I felt afraid, inadequate and alienated — alienated from them and from myself.
As I continued to process our interactions and why I was experiencing a sense of shame I had an awareness. What dawned on me was how I initially interacted with the individual after they arrived at the party. I remembered watching them with a critical attitude. Upon further examination I then realized that my critical attitude — toward the individual — arose from the resentments that I held toward them from previous interactions.
My next thoughts revolved around a spiritual principle — judge not lest you be judged for the measure that you give out will be returned to you. I then realized that I was receiving back — from them — what I was measuring out to them through my critical demeanor.
Not only was I receiving a critical attitude — from them — but I discovered that I had opened myself up to the fruit of criticism and judgment: minimization, marginalization and alienation. Alienation from them and from myself. I found that through being critical — of them — my judgment boomeranged back to me. My critical attitude toward the individual in essence became a self-inflicted wound.
When I judge other people or myself I inadvertently minimize, marginalize and invalidate who I am and what I bring to the table of life. When I judge other people or myself I practice abandonment.
Over the past several days — as I have continued to look for the lessons brought about through my interaction with the individual at the New Year’s Day party — I have been able to grow from the experience. The incident reminds me that I need to keep the focus on myself when I am irritable, restless and discontent. In the process, I need to own and address my resentments when I find myself reacting to a person or a situation. I need to avoid being critical of other people and myself to avoid self-inflicted wounds.
I need to give people the dignity of owning their perspective of me with out taking their perspectives personally. When I am restless, irritable and discontent I need to keep the focus on myself. I need to own and address my resentments and I need to practice live and let live.
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Craig, one way to view critics is to view them as tests for your tolerance, understanding and compassion. It is possible to imagine what someone like the Dalai Lama would say to someone critical of his behaviour. He would always respond with love and compassion. This would simply be another test to demonstrate how much he values his fellow human beings.
Hi Liara,
Thank you for the thoughts. I agree with you. I have written several posts through out Second Chance to Live. Among these post are several that I wrote in early 2007.* Teachers*, which is under the title of, * And you know what https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/04/and-you-know-what/ and another title* Triggers* https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/05/triggers/ .
I believe such experiences are merely opportunities to learn and be empowered. No one needs to be wrong in these uncomfortable interactions, just willing to learn. As one of the lines in the prayer of Saint Francis, “it is better to understand that be understood.” As I understand more about why I react to situations, the greater ability that I have to understand other people.
As I am empowered, I am able to empower other people. Just another learning opportunity.
Have a pleasant evening Liara and God bless you my friend.
Craig