In previous articles I shared that there was a way to create hope in my life, despite what may have occurred in my life. I then spoke to the need to recognize that denial undermines my ability to see that a door has opened for me. In the next several articles I spoke to the need to recognize and to realize the need to practice healthy self-care. In the next article, I spoke to the need to detach ourselves from energy that does us no good. In today’s article, I will share what I discovered that played a major role in undermining my ability to create hope. I will then share what has helped me to begin to create hope in my life.
My motivation in sharing is not to point the finger in anyone’s direction, but to share what helped me to connect the dots. Understanding how we got tied to the believing that we needed to remain in denial, that practicing healthy self-care is self-fish and the allegiance to a system and a role has been essential in my ability to see and recognize hope. First let me say that there is a difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is an indicator that we have done some thing wrong, a mistake. Shame on the other hand is a being wound that communicates to the individual that they are mistakes, not that they make mistakes.
Shame is some thing that is conditioned into the individual over time. Many times shame is unknowingly passed from one generation to another generation. Consequently, when parents do not deal with their feelings of shame, they transfer their sense of shame onto their children. In the family system where there is unresolved pain – connected to generational shame messages – shame is used to control each member with in the family system. The role that each member of the system plays, finds themselves acting out; absorbs the shame felt by the collective system. Shame thus keeps the system intact.
To break free of the unconscious denial, inherent with in the system; I needed to understand how shame and guilt played a major role in my being stuck and confused for many years. By understanding how shame kept me stuck and confused, I was able to begin to let go of my “false self” so that I could begin to live authentically through discovering my “true self”. As I live authentically, I am able to create with my being instead of being driven to do to combat and defend generational messages of shame. As I live authentically, the energy once used to defend a system and a role through drama; can now be channeled to create hope.
Several books that helped me tremendously in this process are: Shame and Guilt – Masters of Disguise by Jane Middleton-Moz and the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. I would highly recommend that you read both of these books, especially if you find yourself enmeshed in a family system and a role that perpetuates your sense of shame. Reading these 2 books helped me to discover my true or authentic self. Reading these 2 books helped me to realize that I could begin to create hope through learning how to use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that would work for me, despite generational messages.
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