If you have not already read these parts of the article, please do so at this time. Thank you. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 6 and in conclusion Part 7
Once I realized that I needed to address my shame, negativity, and critical nature I found myself back in a familiar anxiety. Upon further examination, I found that my anxiety stemmed from my fear of physical and emotional abandonment. In the process, I discovered that my fear of abandonment was firmly attached to my core belief that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake. As I have shared throughout this series — for many years — I believed that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was not a mistake. Consequently, I lived in a state of shame.
Struggling to Prove that I was Not a Mistake
As I examined my motives I determined that I sought to prove that I was not a mistake in order to avoid the dread of being physically and emotionally abandoned. In the process, I discovered that my anxiety and fear stemmed from a core belief. The belief told me that if I was unable to make another person OK with me, then I could not be OK with me.
A Codependent Dance
For many years I engaged in a dance with other people that involved these steps. If I detected that you were not alright with me (feeling blamed and shamed) then it was my fault. Because I bought into the notion that what you were upset about was my fault, I set out to make you O.K.. Essentially to “fix” you so that I would no longer feel blame or shame, because you were upset. I sought to fix the individual so that they would not go away. I did so because I believed if the person went away “abandoned me” that there was something wrong with me. My goal in these interactions was to make “you” O.K., so that I we could be O.K., inorder to believe that I was O.K. This “dance” in all my relationships created a “crazy making” experience in all my relationships.
When I Became Sick and Tired of Doing the Dance
When I realized that I needed to address my denial, anger, negativity, criticism and judgmental attitudes I began a program of rigorous honesty. I found that I needed to examine the resentments that I held toward other people and myself. In my process, I found that by examining my resentments I was able to look at the patterns that I maintained in my relationships with other people and with myself. Through my process, I discovered that the resentments that I held toward other people and myself actually sustained my denial, anger, negativity, criticism and judgmental attitudes.
Please read Part 6 of this series by clicking on Part 6. Thank you.
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