Good afternoon and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. For the past several days I have been experiencing some unrest. In my unrest I found myself becoming anxious and fearful. In my state of mind I opened the door to feeling less than, inadequate and unlovable. As the door stayed open I allowed the recipe of fear and doubt to delude me into believing that my good was simply not good enough.
You see I allowed myself to slip back into believing that because I was not experiencing specific outcomes there was something wrong with me. Like a knee jerk reaction from of old, I experienced debilitating shame. Shame for not being “good” enough. In my attempt to invalidate my sense shame — that who I am and what I do is not enough — I found myself comparing myself to other people. In my comparing I found myself experiencing a series of reactions.
None of these reactions provided a reprieve or alleviated my sense of inadequacy. Instead these reactions perpetuated the notion that I needed to answer, defend, and explain who I am to my sense of shame. Because I felt inadequate I experienced some jealousy toward some of my peers, who I perceive are receiving more opportunities than I am in life. I then experienced some frustration because I felt powerless. In my powerlessness I bought into the notion that I needed to do more to be more in order to be given more.
In my delusion I lost sight of my being. As I lost sight of my being, I found myself becoming competitive in an attempt to overcompensate for my insecurities.
When I realized that I had lathered myself into a frenzy of anxiety, I made a wise decision. I decided to call a trusted friend. I realized that I needed to find a solution. From past experience, I knew that I did not have to be alone in my struggle. During our conversation my friend helped me to see that my unrest stemmed from self-centered fear. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to specific outcomes. My self-will frustrated me because I was not getting what I expected / wanted in the time frame that I expected / wanted.
From a place of fear I let pride enter into my process while I unconsciously eased God out of my process — EGO. Not a good decision. When I eased God out of my process I adopted the notion that I alone was responsible to / for whether I could achieve specific outcomes in a prescribed amount of time. In the process I found myself needing to defend, answer and explain my worth to my insecurities / pride / EGO. Because I was unable to achieve those specific outcomes my self- centered fear continued to deluded me.
In the process I became anxious because I was unable to achieve specific outcomes. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to my self-will. Consequently my self-will perpetuated my fear and anxiety because I had connected my worth and value to those specific outcomes.
As my friend and I spoke I regained my spiritual bearings. In the process, I recalled my truth. I don’t have to be more than I am. I am enough. I can let go of outcomes. I can let go of the timing. My footwork is enough and I don’t have to be more than. I don’t have to force solutions. I can surrender my process to a power greater than myself. I can let things happen at the right time. I can trust the process, a loving God and my ability to learn. I can make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding.
I don’t have to strive to make anything happen. I don’t have to rely on my own understanding. I don’t have to produce to be enough. I don’t have to compete to be enough. Instead, I can relax and run in my own race. I don’t have to be critical of my process. I don’t have to judge my efforts. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone. I don’t have to be controlled by self-centered fear. Instead I am free to trust my process because I know that more will be revealed. I am free to be in the moment and I am free to enjoy the journey.
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