Good afternoon and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. For the past several days I have been experiencing some unrest. In my unrest I found myself becoming anxious and fearful. In my state of mind I opened the door to feeling less than, inadequate and unlovable. As the door stayed open I allowed the recipe of fear and doubt to delude me into believing that my good was simply not good enough.
You see I allowed myself to slip back into believing that because I was not experiencing specific outcomes there was something wrong with me. Like a knee jerk reaction from of old, I experienced debilitating shame. Shame for not being “good” enough. In my attempt to invalidate my sense shame — that who I am and what I do is not enough — I found myself comparing myself to other people. In my comparing I found myself experiencing a series of reactions.
None of these reactions provided a reprieve or alleviated my sense of inadequacy. Instead these reactions perpetuated the notion that I needed to answer, defend, and explain who I am to my sense of shame. Because I felt inadequate I experienced some jealousy toward some of my peers, who I perceive are receiving more opportunities than I am in life. I then experienced some frustration because I felt powerless. In my powerlessness I bought into the notion that I needed to do more to be more in order to be given more.
In my delusion I lost sight of my being. As I lost sight of my being, I found myself becoming competitive in an attempt to overcompensate for my insecurities.
When I realized that I had lathered myself into a frenzy of anxiety, I made a wise decision. I decided to call a trusted friend. I realized that I needed to find a solution. From past experience, I knew that I did not have to be alone in my struggle. During our conversation my friend helped me to see that my unrest stemmed from self-centered fear. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to specific outcomes. My self-will frustrated me because I was not getting what I expected / wanted in the time frame that I expected / wanted.
From a place of fear I let pride enter into my process while I unconsciously eased God out of my process — EGO. Not a good decision. When I eased God out of my process I adopted the notion that I alone was responsible to / for whether I could achieve specific outcomes in a prescribed amount of time. In the process I found myself needing to defend, answer and explain my worth to my insecurities / pride / EGO. Because I was unable to achieve those specific outcomes my self- centered fear continued to deluded me.
In the process I became anxious because I was unable to achieve specific outcomes. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to my self-will. Consequently my self-will perpetuated my fear and anxiety because I had connected my worth and value to those specific outcomes.
As my friend and I spoke I regained my spiritual bearings. In the process, I recalled my truth. I don’t have to be more than I am. I am enough. I can let go of outcomes. I can let go of the timing. My footwork is enough and I don’t have to be more than. I don’t have to force solutions. I can surrender my process to a power greater than myself. I can let things happen at the right time. I can trust the process, a loving God and my ability to learn. I can make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding.
I don’t have to strive to make anything happen. I don’t have to rely on my own understanding. I don’t have to produce to be enough. I don’t have to compete to be enough. Instead, I can relax and run in my own race. I don’t have to be critical of my process. I don’t have to judge my efforts. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone. I don’t have to be controlled by self-centered fear. Instead I am free to trust my process because I know that more will be revealed. I am free to be in the moment and I am free to enjoy the journey.
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I am a brain cancer survivor which I have found the closest thing to support groups as I can find. The surgery, radiation and GOD took care of the rest. I worked off and on after recovering but in 2005 I started a HEP C treatment which is Interferon and riboviron. I was working at the time but by the end of the one year treatment I could no longer perform the required duties of the job I was hired for and they let me go. The fault was not them letting me go it was my mind was not there or anywhere. After 2-3 months my abilities to be socially functional gradually decreased and I became so afraid I was loosing my mind and Alzheimers was to be my fate. Through TBI support groups and the state of Arizona rehab system I was evaluated for abilities to return to work and the result was uncompetively unemployable and I now collect SSDI. I believe somewhere down the line I can become a productive member of society once again but getting over the shock of the evaluation which difined my limits has put a real burden on me and my wife. She doesn’t understand why not now like before can I not function the same. Since attending the TBI support groups here understanding has come slowly by there is hope.
Hi Mark,
Thank you so very much for taking the time to leave a comment and to share your story. I understand I believe. I have lived as a traumatic brain injury survivor with an invisible disability for over 41 years. I have experienced many similar situations through out my life that are similar to the ones you have shared with me my friend. You are not alone. I do not know if you have read my 3 part series My Journey thus Far however I believe you may like to read through that series. Here are the links.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/02/18/my-journey-thus-far/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/25/my-journey-thus-far-part-2/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/26/my-journey-thus-far-part-3/
I have found that there is Power in Identification. I also wrote a post about that topic the you may find to be helpful Mark. Here is that link.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/18/the-power-of-identification/
My article Traumatic Brain Injury and Denial — My Perspective as a TBI Survivor may also be helpful to you and your wife Mark. Here is the link to that article.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/05/12/traumatic-brain-injury-and-denial-my-perspective-as-a-tbi-survivor/
I have been misunderstood by many people through out my life time too. I have had both family members, friends, colleagues, and an assortment of other people — over time — deny my reality and want me to live in their denial system too. I bought into the denial systems for many years in my attempt to disprove the impact that my traumatic brain injury had upon my life. I wrote a 4 part series on what I have learned through my process. I share these thoughts in that article. My Struggle Living with an Invisible Disability.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/14/my-struggle-living-with-an-invisible-disability/ 4 part series
And then an article on Having an Invisible Disability — The Consequences of Denying my Reality in a 2 part series I speak to what I learned through the years I spent denying the reality of my traumatic brain injury.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/21/having-an-invisible-disability-%e2%80%93-the-consequence-of-denying-my-reality%e2%80%94part-1/ 2 part series Mark.
I go on to share what else I learned through learning to accept my reality. I share these insights in my article Traumatic Brain Injury and the Double Bind.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/28/traumatic-brain-injury-and-the-double-bind/
I share the above articles with you because I care Mark. The more I learn to accept myself I stop fighting against myself. In the process I have learned how to use what I have in ways that work for me. Your being a brain cancer survivor definitely qualifies you to be an acquired brain injury survivor and part of the fellowship of traumatic brain injury survivors. I learned a valuable lesson through my process — among the other items that I have shared with you above my friend. I am not my traumatic / acquired brain injury, my disability, my deficits or my limitations. I am much more. Please read my article Traumatic Brain Injury — Following your Bliss regardless and let me know what you think Mark. The link to that article is here:
https://secondchancetolive.org/2008/06/12/traumatic-brain-injury-following-your-bliss%e2%80%a6regardless/
I share the above information with you because I can identify with you. I believe as you read through the above articles you will see how much you can identify with me too my friend.
Please read through the articles at your own pace and stay in touch with me Mark. I look forward to hearing from you.
God bless you Sir.
Craig