In my recent posts I have been sharing a lot about faith. There was a time in my life that I toyed with a dualistic theology. Dualism essentially states that the mind and body function separately, the world is ruled by antagonistic forces or good and evil and that humans have two basic natures, the physical and the spiritual. (Definition provided by the free on-line Dictionary by Farlex) In this theological construct, I was beginning to believe that God was in some far off place undeterred by what was happening in my life. Consequently, I was going to have to figure life out by myself.
Over time, my cynicism and doubt grew and I struggled with believing that God cared and that I could trust Him.
For many years of my life I lived in a state of shame. I believed that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake. At the core of my being I believed that I had to perform to be loved and if I did not measure up, I could not be loved. I believed that I had to justify my existence. I also believed that I had to fix people and situations before I could experience any emotional security.
For many years, I was criticized and berated by my Dad for not measuring up to his expectations. He frequently told me that I would never amount to anything while I was growing up. My Mom would frequently tell me to prove your Dad wrong. I believed I needed to be more than, rather than just am. As I grew older and attended college I found myself seeking out people like my Dad. My unconscious motive at the time was to appease surrogate Dad’s in order to prove that I was lovable. Nevertheless I continued to fail in my attempts to satisfy the expectations of those individuals. Continued in Part 2.
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