From a Place of Doubt

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to have you around my table. During the past week I found myself struggling with my self as a writer and a person. I wanted to write, but did not feel like I had anything to offer. You see I struggle with perfectionism. Wanting to get it right and if I do not have it right, feel as though there is some thing wrong with me. Several days ago, while speaking with a friend; he suggested that I may like to start writing as a story-teller. To begin sharing my experiences and struggles and how I felt when facing those experiences and struggles. And so I begin.

From a different perspective.

As I shared in my article yesterday, Finding Craig — Telling My Story Part 1, I faced a struggle from an early age. Feeling driven to do more, to do enough, to be enough. I continue to face that struggle today. My struggle manifests when I take stock in the amount of people visiting and reading my articles. My struggle manifests when the number of people visiting and reading my articles declines. My struggle manifests when I do my best and yet feel as though my good is not good enough to keep people interested. My struggle manifests when I start to feel that there is some thing wrong with me and that is why more people do not visit or read articles from my websites. Say this is unrealistic, but this is my struggle. My struggle to do more, to do enough, to keep people from going away. My struggle to prove that I am enough, to keep people interested. To keep people coming back to read my articles. For this I am powerless, yet I understand my struggle. I am aware.

Let me explain:

My feeling that I needed to do more, to do enough in order to be enough has been a common core and theme of struggle through out my lifetime. And as I shared in yesterday’ article, this struggle was hard-wired into me at an early age. My core theme of struggle developed and was perpetuated out of my fear of people going away, if I did not measure up. If I did not make them OK, with me; they would go away. They would go away if I did not    “measure up”. So last night, after writing Finding Craig — Telling my Story Part 1 earlier in the day; I decided to delete the article. I felt as though I was rehashing material that I had addressed through other articles that I had written, over time. I felt as though no one would want to read the article or the series. I found myself in doubt as I questioned myself. Questioned my worth and value. Questioned whether I would be rejected.

My perfectionism and insecurity kicked in and I wanted to hide. I wanted to hide by deleting the article so that no one would see what I had written. But, I knew that it was already too late for the individuals who had signed up to receive my articles on publishing them. I found myself panicking. I felt exposed and I felt shame for rehashing what I had shared before in past articles.

This morning, when I logged onto my email I received a comment from an individual who had read Finding Craig — Telling my Story Part 1. She had received a copy of the article after I published it earlier yesterday as part of a subscription to Second Chance to Live. In her email, she shared, “Wanted to let you know and thank you so  so much for all the work you have done on brain injury and all the help you have given others,  If I had an award I would give one to you …..  thank you fellow survivor,  you make all of us feel better about ourselves. hugs to you”. Her email was the encouragement God knew that I needed to receive at the exact time that I needed to receive what she shared with me. Thank you my friend!

I also attended a support group meeting earlier today. During that support group meeting I felt as though I needed to re-publish Finding Craig — Telling my Story Part 1. I thought about how I was going to republish the article, since I had sent the article to trash. After getting home, coming to the computer and signing into my Dashboard I realized that I had not deleted the article, but had only sent the article to trash. Realizing that I had only sent the article to trash gave me hope. So I opened my trash folder in my dashboard and there sat my article. I clicked on restore and the article reappeared on Second Chance to Live. Although I was happy to have been able to restore the article, I was still feeling some insecurity with my decision.

In my feelings of insecurity, I decided to call my mentor. After speaking with him for some time I realized that I was on the right path. Continuing with the series as a story-teller would be the right course of action. He reminded me that I was not the same person as when I wrote those past articles. That I had undoubtedly gained a new fresh perspective on events. He suggested that I could share emotion surrounding the events that had taken place. He also suggested that I share what I have in this article with you. If you are a writer or you create in some other way, you may be able to identify with me. If you struggle with perfectionism, you are not alone my friend. You can, as I did; reach out to trust friends. You can reach out to me.

And as I need to remember, we do not have to be perfect in our writing or in any way that we create. We can be free to express ourselves. We can share our thoughts and feelings with out challenging ourselves. We can create without factoring in what other people might think or feel. We can be free to explore. We can be free to let go. We can have fun with the process. We can trust the process. We can be ourselves without the fear of not doing or being enough. We don’t have to live in doubt, questioning ourselves.

You have my permission to share my articles and or video presentations with anyone you believe could benefit, however please attribute me as being the author of the article (s) video presentation (s), and provide a link back to the article (s) on Second Chance to Live. In the event that you have questions, please send those questions to me. All questions are good questions. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you. Copyright 2007-2015.