Several days ago I began a series to share some lessons that I wanted to share during a keynote presentation, but did not have the time to do so during the Southwest Conference on Disability 2013 earlier this month. My encouragement would be to read each of the previous parts of this article.
Each Part of this article builds upon the previous parts. In Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 share what I have learned through my process. To read each of these parts, please click on these links: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4. In Part 5 — in conjunction with what I shared in previous parts of this article – I provide information that has helped me to find myself. In the event that you have a difficult time knowing who you are, please read on.
I wrote the below article in May of 2007 to share what I discovered that helped me to find myself.
Displaced Sadness revisited
Posted by Second Chance to Live on May 26, 2007
In many dysfunctional family systems shame seems to be the core driver. Shame can be used in various ways. Shame is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings and / or personal accountability through blame. Shame can also be deployed to prevent physical and emotional abandonment, as well as weapon to keep people from getting too close. Blame through shame mandates compliance to avoid the threat of abandonment. In such family dynamics each individual has to discard parts of themselves in order to avoid being shamed or abandoned.
Such a dynamic can be seen in the individual’s physical, emotional and spiritual development. Early in the child’s life, disowning or discarding occurs each time a trait, quality or characteristic displeases the parent or caregiver. Unconsciously the child learns through the parent’s eyes and gestures what pleases and displeases them. The child begins to associate any quality, characteristic or behavior that does not please the parent as bad. In the event that the parent withholds affection or attention from the child –when the child does not “please” the parent– the threat of physical and / or emotional abandonment is instilled in the child. With holding of affection or attention can be a terrifying event for any child. The child unknowingly begins to associate certain behaviors with specific responses from the parents or caregivers.
As the child continues to develop they learn that repressing what does not please the parent is a way to avoid making Mommy or Daddy angry.{Repression –The unconscious exclusion of painful impulses, desires, or fears from the conscious mind}. Over time the child learns that in order to please his or her parents they must discard any trait, characteristic or quality that displeases the parent. Unconsciously the child may fear the threat of emotional and / or physical abandonment. Depending upon the level or dysfunction in the family system, the child may begin to use active suppression to protect themselves from feelings of annihilation. {Suppression –the conscious exclusion of unacceptable desires, thoughts, or memories from the mind.} As repression turns into suppression, denial becomes the operative mechanism to discard what is perceived as being unacceptable to the “love object” or parent.
Because the child learns to associate negative outcomes with specific qualities, characteristics and traits, the child discards what does not please the parent or caregiver. In the process the child unconsciously associates parts of themselves as being bad or defective. As a result the child learns that it is not safe to have those qualities, characteristics or traits that result in “love” being with held from them. As the child continues to develop – from an adolescent to a teenager — they may be unable to differentiate between what makes them valuable, special and unique and what they have discard so as to not be ridiculed, rejected, alienated — from other people and themselves — and abandoned emotionally, physically and spiritually. Consequently, as the child develops into an adult they may have no idea who they really are as an individual.
As the child becomes an adult they may led to believe that unless they comply, some thing will be withheld. As the child becomes an adult, they may find themselves acting out similar behaviors in their adult relationships. As the child becomes an adult, they may find themselves seeking out relationships with people who also communicate that unless they “discard” parts of themselves, they will be abandoned – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
As the individual gets older and begins to seek to form intimate relationships, an interesting phenomenon occurs. The traits, qualities or characteristics once discarded (as they were growing up) are now admired in the new relationship. Initially, these traits are valued and appreciated in the beloved and then something horrible seems to occur. The shame once assigned to those discarded parts of the individual is now transferred onto the beloved. Insidiously, the beloved is now expected to carry that shame for having those once admired traits. Instead of these traits being encouraged and nurtured, they are now viewed as a threat. A confusing double message is set and confusion enters into the relationship. What was once admired is now shunned. Unconsciously the individual may not realize that displaced sadness is the reason why they are shunning what was once admired.
In the event that these two people stay in the relationship, the individual being shunned for traits previously admired will have to continue to discard that trait to maintain the relationship. In the process, they lose themselves in the relationship to avoid being shamed. In the process, shame wins out as neither individual has the freedom to be themselves in the relationship. In the process, creativity that may have sustained the relationship may be neglected and thrown along the wayside.
I have found that the solution to ending the cycle of displaced sadness resides in the place of honesty. I need to look at the parts of myself that I have had to discard to maintain any relationship. Once I begin to realize that someone wants me to carry his or her displaced sadness, I need to evaluate if staying in the relationship is good for me. I have come to believe that I can not help anyone, by carrying his or her sadness. If I continue in that relationship, I may find myself being dragged under emotionally, physically and spiritually. Each person needs to do resolve their own sadness and shame, as it hinders them. This process ultimately needs to be their choice. I no longer want to discard parts of me; in order to be loved or valued by another person, especially at the expense of carrying someone’s unresolved sadness.
You have my permission to share my articles and or video presentations with anyone you believe could benefit, however please attribute me as being the author of the article (s) video presentation (s), and provide a link back to the article (s) on Second Chance to Live. In the event that you have questions, please send those questions to me. All questions are good questions. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you. Copyright 2007-2015.
Leave a Reply