I am available to give this: Hope and the Progression of Living our Best Life after Brain Injury Presentation Schedule my: Availability.
Recently, I received a question that I feel led to address in this article. A question that many individuals living with the impact of a brain injury ask.
“I am just wondering…will I ever really feel normal again. I still struggle with depression…and not feeling like myself. It has been x number of years…”
When the individual asked this question, I thought about a word that I do not particularly like. Normal, with respect to living with the impact of a brain injury. The concept of “normal” can leave the individual living with a brain injury feeling less than. Less than because they don’t measure up to other people’s, societies and even their own expectation of normal.
Expectation of Normal
In my experience and for many years, I had no idea what normal looked like. You see I based what normal should look like to me on expectations. Look like to me because of those expectations. Little did I know that I was trying to fit into a normal that did not fit me. As a result, I spent a whole lot of my time and energy guessing at what was “normal”. What was normal for me, as I interacted with individuals. With individuals…
Who had no idea what living with the impact of a brain injury and an invisible disability meant to or for me. No idea what normal was supposed to look like for me. No idea that no one could help me to figure out what normal was supposed to look like. Look like after I sustained my traumatic brain injury and was living with an invisible disability. No idea that I was the only one who could define what “normal” should look like.
Unknowingly stuck in Denial
In my experience, because I was unaware of the impact of my traumatic brain injury I stayed stuck. Stuck in the denial that led me to believe that if I just tried hard enough I would not be impacted by a brain injury. You see, once I came out of a 3-week coma and my external wounds healed the impact of my open skull fracture, right frontal lobe damaged, severe brain bruise with brain stem involvement became invisible.
Once I learned how to walk, talk, and looked “normal”…
The impact of the injury to my brain was never again discussed or factored into the difficulties that kept occurring in my life. The difficulties that I experienced as I lived my life. Consequently, instead of understanding and learning to compensate for the difficulties that I experienced, I found myself being blamed and shamed. Blamed and shamed for what I was unaware, but nevertheless impacted.
And because I did not know any better, I spent much of my time and energy blaming and shaming myself for not being enough. Consequently, I had no idea what normal was supposed to look like in my life.
No time or energy to Discover
In the process, I internalized the difficulties that I encountered as there was something wrong with me. As a result, I found myself justifying, answering and explaining in my attempts to figure out what normal was supposed to look like. As a result, I had little time or energy to find out what normal looked like for me. Instead, I turned my anger inward and defended the denial of what I was unaware and that kept me stuck.
Kept me stuck in an effort to prove that I could change what; in reality, I was powerless to change.
Reached a Point in Time
As a result I continued to blame and shame myself for what could not be accepted. I continued to blame and shame myself until I reached a point in time. A threshold of pain when I could no longer deny. Deny how the impact of living with a brain injury and an invisible disability had repeatedly distracted me. Distracted me for many years striving (unsuccessfully) to live in the “normal” other people expected me to create.
Expected me to be able to create for myself in their imagination.
My need to deny my reality, in an effort to not be blamed and shamed. Blamed and shamed for not being able to not be impacted by the injury to my brain. When this occurred, I made the decision to confront both my denial and what other people wanted or needed me to believe. By facing and confronting my denial and by grieving, I began to heal and realize that I needed to learn how to create my own “normal”.
Create a normal that would, give me the ability to live a fulfilling life and have functional relationships.
My Encouragement to You — Discover Your Normal
Don’t give up! More will be revealed to all of us, in time. Allow yourself to grieve what you cannot change. And as you move through the grieving process you will discover how to create a normal. A normal that will work for you. In the process, slowly but surely, you will learn how to create a good life for yourself. Know that will get through this period of time in your life. And remember, you are not alone in your struggle.
You are not Alone
I went through dark periods of time before I reached a place of acceptance. A place of acceptance that motivated me to try something different. Be assured that passing through these dark periods is a necessary part of the process. Facing our denial, experiencing anger, realizing that all the bargaining in the “world” is not going to change our reality, is necessary. Being depressed in being powerless prepares you and I…
Living Beyond Someone Else’s Normal for You
You and I to accept our reality, that our lives have forever changed because of our brain injuries. But that is not the end of the story. We can experience a new freedom. A freedom to try something different. The freedom to create our new normal. To rebuild our lives in ways that work for us. A freedom to fulfill our dreams and create hope in our lives. A freedom to live beyond the expectations of someone else’s normal.
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