Hi, and welcome back to my table. You are always welcome to stop by and visit with me. Earlier this evening I had a spiritual awakening. I have been meditating on some thing I share in Second Chance to Live on a regular basis. I encourage my readers to trust the process, a loving God and themselves. The phase I want to talk about tonight involves trusting a loving God. I am not talking about religion, so please do not tune me out or leave this post. I believe the awareness that I am going to share with you is so powerful that your life will be changed forever my friend. The awareness has empowered me to draw from a well that I previously thought was just too deep.
My relationship with my Dad was hard to understand for many years. I received many double messages from him and as a result I developed a love hate relationship with him. I spent many years attempting to measure up to his expectations for me, so that I would gain his approval. My efforts to please him were mixed with approval and disapproval. Many, many times my best efforts were met with disapproval because I did not measure up to the expectations my Dad had for me. Because of his critical attitude towards me I internalized my best efforts as inadequate.
At a core level I was conditioned to believe I could not measure up to be good enough to be loved and accepted. I internalized my Dad’s inability to approve and applaud my best efforts as a reflection of my being defective and unworthy of acceptance and love. Growing up with a traumatic brain injury and an invisible disability complicated matters. The inconsistency that I experienced with my Dad left me confused as I guessed at what was normal. Because I did not measure up to my Dad’s expectations, I interpreted my Dad’s criticism and disapproval as a reflection of my worth and value. In response I attempted to be perfect, to do more and be more so that I could win my Dad’s approval. Nevertheless, the bar of expectation continued to be raised and I continued to believe that I simply was not good enough.
Through my process I have experienced several spiritual awakenings. These awakenings have revolutionized my relationship with the God of my understanding and with myself. I sincerely believe my Dad did the best he knew how to given his own history. Because he had a hard time accepting himself, he had a hard time accepting the part of himself he saw in me. I believe my Dad was a conflicted perfectionist in that in many ways he demanded that I live up to his expectations that he himself knew were unrealistic. Because my Dad did not know how to process his own feelings of inadequacy — in order to be able to accept his best efforts — for many years he continued to blame me for what he could not do for himself.
In my experience I attempted to “measure up” through striving and overcompensating. When I did not win my Dad’s approval I worked harder and became an over achiever in my attempt to gain my Dad’s love, approval and acceptance. One of the spiritual awakenings that I experienced applied to my relationship with my Dad. The impact of my relationship with my Dad impacted my relationship with the God of my understanding. Because I believed I could not measure up to and gain my Dad’s approval and acceptance – on many occasions – I believed I could not measure up to and gain or win the approval / love / acceptance of the God of my understanding on any consistent basis.
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