Hi, and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am so glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome at my table. I received a comment today from a parent of a son who experienced a traumatic brain injury several months ago.
She wanted to thank me for the material I wrote in yesterday’s post, Traumatic Brain Injury and Limitation. I have been thinking about her comment and wanted to share some reflective thoughts with you. My motivation is to encourage you to be gentle with your process.
After I became aware of the significance of my brain injury, I went through a grieving process. I wanted to deny the significance of the injury to my brain. I then spent time being angry over what I became powerless over, my limitations and deficits. I then spent time attempting to disprove to myself and to other people the significance of how my brain injury impacted my world. When I realized that I was indeed disabled because of my brain injury, I went through an extensive period of depression and sadness.
An Ongoing Process
Please understand that the conclusions and the encouragement that I share in Second Chance to Live did not come over night. I transitioned through a tremendous amount of discouragement, disappointment and emotional heart ache over the years before I was able to embrace what I share with you. For more insight into my process and journey you may read my 9 Part series, My Journey thus Far. I still have my times of discouragement and depression, but I realize that I have a future and a hope. I have come to realize that the dark clouds pass with time.
When I reached the stage of acceptance in my grieving process I began to accept myself. The process of accepting who I am – as a person who is a traumatic brain injury survivor – helped me to stop fighting against myself. The process of grieving the loss of my dreams, hopes and expectations released me to live in the now. When I let go of how I thought my life was supposed to look my eyes slowly opened to reveal my reality.
Accepting my reality has given me a new hope, released me to dream again and has given me the courage to trust that I will be given what I need and that I will fulfill my destiny. When I was able to accept my reality I was able to begin looking for solutions in spite of being a traumatic brain injury survivor. Through my process, I have learned to take advantage of the opportunities that become available to me. Although I may not have the big picture, I have learned to feel my feelings, to trust the process and to trust a loving God who cries with me when I cry.
I have also come to realize that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Determination, persistence and tenacity have become my close friends. I no longer see my limitations as a limitation. My deficits have become the possibilities of my creativity. My disappointments are being turned into my dreams. I am encouraged to learn from my present circumstances because I know that they are leading me to my destiny.
I would encourage you to grieve the loss of your dreams, your hope’s and your expectations. Those loses are very real. Denying what has changed because of your traumatic brain injury survivor will only protect you for a time. Your anger is justified by what you can not understand. I have been there too my friend. I have felt like a man in a very dark room attempting to find the switch to turn on the lights. Your sadness is warranted and welcomed through your experience. You will learn to use your anger for good.
The good news is that you will find your switch and you will learn to thrive. You will learn to use your gifts, talents and abilities to fulfill your dreams. You do not have to compare your journey with anyone’s journey. You are on a road of wonder and you will find your way. Please read my post, Following your bliss…regardless. You are learning wonderful lessons my friend. Those lessons are preparing you to fulfill the dreams you have always had in your heart. Take comfort my friend, more will be revealed.
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Simply beautiful. I let my son read this. He didn’t say much but I think with time it will sink in. You had mentioned in your comments about fighting against yourself. I feel that is what he is doing. He gets mentally fatigued way before he would physically. He tries to fight through it but it brings him down every time.
I never really thought about him going through a grieving process but after reading your post and sitting back and thinking about what has happened and all the changes – yes that is what he is going through.
I am sure both my son and I will be regular readers of your site. It has brought much comfort during a time when we are just trying to hold on.
You are obviously a person of great spiritual strength and deep insight. Many blessings on your journey, and thanks for sharing your wisdom with the world. I will highlight you on my blog.
All the best,
Keith
Wonderful post! For today I think I will focus on being gentle with my process. So often I forget to be gentle with myself while being determined to change the things I see as getting in my way – but they are the very things that are – like you say – leading me to my destiny. Have a wonderful day. I love your blog – it is always so inspirational.
This is so inspiring! I too am a TBI survivor and I tried for so long to deny the impact of what had happened to me when I was 17 (car accident) and then at 35 (brain tumor). It is amazing how unhappy I was with my life but still continued to deny the reason that I did ot fit into the “norm” world. I just kept falling and getting back up again–then I turned 47 and my world fell apart. I was fired from several jobs because I did not fit in. After such a long period of denial it was very hard to adjust to the fact that I was different from other people–and from the way that I thought I was.
All of this was a few years ago (I am 51) and finally I am starting to relax with myself. Your blog is so wonderful to find and is truly an inspiration in my life. Thank you so much.
thank- for your encourageing words//i think i am one step aWAY FROM GIVING UP AND TAKING US BOTH TO THE PEARLY GATES…ITS BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE MY SONS ACCIDNT,HE SUSTAINED PRETTY MAJOR DEFICITS FROM HIS INJURY AND WATCHING HIM NOW IS KILLING ME BECAUSE I WANT THE REAL HIM BACK,,I HAVE GOT TO ACCEPT THIS AND MOVE ON BUT THAT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE..I WISH THEY OFFERED MORE ASSISTED LIVING HOMES FOR HIS AGE 30 PLUS SO HE COULD AT LEAST GET OUT FROM UNDR ME AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT OH WELL THX FOR THE EAR
Hi Connie,
Thank you for your time and kindness in leaving a comment. Thank you for sharing your struggle with me. I believe I can understand your frustration. Are there any additional agencies or organizations that you could contact that could assist you with the process? I have found, at least in my own experience that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you need to get more outside help to cope with your circumstances, please do whatever it takes to obtain that assistance. You may be able to get involved with an online, if not out in the community support system with other parents of TBI survivors. Check out the web and at your local rehab hospital (s) Connie. They may be able to facilitate the process. You do not have to go through your frustration alone. Please read my post, https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/18/the-power-of-identification/ , The Power of Identification.
Please stay in touch and remember when all else fails suicide or homicide is not an option.
One day at a time my friend.
Craig
Great Post.
Ive had several mild head injuries to the same part of the head (left hand side of the back, left occipital lobe mainly) over several years (due to skateboarding, which ive quit now and would discourage to everyone not just because of the injuries and lack of importance on preserving safety but its cultural sins too).
At first I was unable to accept that I let myself be put in a position where I would injury my head, repeatadly again and again.
Its lowered my Verbal IQ significantly and my Spatial Iq a aswell. Its lowered them by about 15 IQ points each. I also have much less ability in processing (learning) visual and verbal information too).
I also get really bad Anger Spurts and Mood Swings. The slightest wrong word or gesture or even an annoying thought can make me switch into another mode almost and without realizing it my Clenching my fists and contemplating punching the nearest inanimate object near to me. The anger lasts only up to 10 minutes or so at most, sometimes only 30 seconds. If im in public and I get an anger spurt, ill fantasize about punching someone and get into an angry train of thought and dialogue in my head.
The annoying thing is accepting yourself, everytime you are outsmarted by someone is as smart as you know you would have been, you are reminded of how great you once were and could have been, and being modest about your lack of ability compared to them is INcredibly painful and frustrating and makes you angry. Thats why accepting your new self is hard, because every once in a while you are reminded of what you used to be and could have been.
The only thing to take comfort in are socializing hobbies and interests like the world around you, politics, morals, the environment, sport, music, art.
Intellectual activities are still fun, but painful and anger inducing as it reminds you of your loss so try to find lots of other outlets.
If your still good at planning, try games an dintellectual activities that use that. Try to find intellectual activities that use what you’ve got left aswell as what you;ve lost to boost your confidence.
Relationships are also still available to you. Getting involved in preventing other people from head injuries is also enjoyable. Learning to how to vent constructively and postiviely is good to. Write and paint about your anger.
You need to keep your life busy, maybe busier than you would have otherwise had needed to, at least you’ll be getting more out of life by being busier than you would have otherwise. 🙂
Hi HHH,
Thank you for leaving a comment and for sharing your struggles with me. You sound like a very passionate person, which is a gift. I have written a post on the topic of passion, Following your bliss…regardless https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/30/passion/
I believe that although I have deficits and limitations, I am not those deficits or limitations. I am a traumatic brain injury survivor, but I am not my traumatic brain injury. I believe that you also are not your deficits, limitations or your traumatic brain injury. I believe that a life changing event, such as a brain injury is merely a switch on the railroad of our lives that vere us in the direction of our destinies. I have found that my circumstances are not meant to keep me down, but they are meant to build me up.
You are doing excellent work my friend. Awareness is the first step to finding a solution and using what becomes available to us. I believe as we learn from our circumstances we gain useful lessons and those lessons prepare us to take advantage of opportunities as they become available to you and me. I believe those opportunities then prepare you and I to continue to learn from those our future circumstances and those circumstances prepare us to take advantage of more opportunities. I believe that collectively our circumstances, our lessons and our opportunities point you and I in the direction of our destinies.
Awareness prepares us to come to a place of Acceptance. When we come to a place of Acceptance we are ready to take the necessary Action that will propell you and I in the direction of our dreams. I have a quote taped to my computer monitor. I am encouraged by the message.
If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life that you have imagined…you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
Henry David Thoreau
Have hope and do not give up on your process, a loving God or on yourself.
Thank you again for writing. Please stay in touch with me my friend.
Have a simply amazing day and God bless you! You are a gift to your world. Craig