The state of being alone can be perceived as a threat or a blessing. I have come to understand the distinction lies initially in the unconscious. Early in the child’s development, being alone is often linked to being helpless. Without the proactive interaction and support from the caregiver, their needs will go unmet. Through being dependent, vulnerability is forever linked to having and getting those needs met. The child also learns that keeping the caregiver happy is often directly related to whether their needs are met. This association may only be on a subconscious level, but becomes consciously understood. When the caregiver seeks to have their emotional needs met through the child, the child suffers emotionally. They learn that having there emotional needs met is secondary to pleasing the caregiver. As the individual grows into their teenage years and beyond, this belief (I have to make other people OK, before I can be OK) may continue.
With this said, I learned that in order to avoid being alone I needed to anticipate, adjust and then satisfy the needs–or expectations—of those around me. In the event that I was not successful in this venture, I would experience rejection and loneliness. What I had learned at an early age (because they did not have the right information at that time) was consciously being acted out in my adult life. Unconsciously, I also sought out women (who were often emotionally incapable of reciprocating) believing that if I met their emotional needs, they would in turn do so for me. When this did not happen, I would again feel incapable of meeting my own needs.
I continued to experience ongoing loneliness, until I started to understand (through doing my work) that I did not have to “fix” anyone to be able to have my emotional needs met. I have also learned that if I am waiting to successfully make anyone “OK”, in order to be “OK” with me, I will never truly be “OK” with me. I need to remember that if I start to believe that I am alone, because I have not fulfilled someones expectation, I am on a slippery slope. Being alone has become a venue for being rejuvenated and refreshed. I now gain strength and my center in the alone space. I am no longer alone, because I am present with me.
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