How do you learn best? How is your learning helping you to live your dreams? Whose shame are you carrying?
In our western culture, the “microwave” mindset prevails. If we can not have it, do it or be it “now” there is something wrong with us. For many years I bought into this way of thinking because of what I had been led to believe. That I should be able to do “it”, “have it” or “be it” perfectly and with little time or effort. In response, what became apparent to me was that perfectionism was driving me. I also found that I was driven to be perfect out of fear. What I began to realize was that my drive to be perfect had been getting in the way. In the way of my learning process and my ability to succeed in life.
In response, I found myself driven by the “ism” of “perfectionism” out of a fear of abandonment. An abandonment, from other people and even myself. What I discovered was that my need to be perfect was getting in my way. In the way of my learning process and my ability to succeed in life. Succeeding in my life, in ways that would work for me. In ways, that would equip me to follow my dreams and fulfill my destiny.
In ways that would help me to follow peace in my learning.
What I Discovered
Driven by perfectionism , I attempted to prove my worth and value to keep people from going away. You see I was led to believe that my worth and value came from outside of me. In the process, I developed habits of approval seeking, people pleasing and mind reading. Perfectionism drove me through the conditioned belief that because I did not meet expectations, I was a mistake.
Through my recovery process, I discovered something that I had been doing to myself for many years. I had been “shoulding” on myself for many years. I had been “shoulding” on myself by being driven by the notion that I: Should Have Already Mastered Everything. With this ongoing awareness, I discovered that I had been shaming myself, for not honoring my learning process.
With my ongoing awareness, I discovered that I had been shaming myself, for not honoring my learning process. For not honoring how I learned and how fast I learned.
With my awareness, I discovered that I had been allowing myself to be shamed by other people for several reasons. I found that I had been attempting to learn in ways that did not work for me. I also realized that I had been allowing other people to shame me because I was not giving myself enough time to learn. With this awareness, my life and learning process began to change.
A New Freedom
With my awareness, I began to experience a new freedom. A freedom to learn in ways that would work best for me. A freedom to learn at my own pace. A freedom to do things in ways that would work for me. A freedom to run my own race. A freedom to stop buying into the notion that I should have already mastered everything. A freedom to stop feeling like a mistake. A freedom to stop being undermined a fear of failure. A freedom to create. A freedom to reach my goals and dreams in ways that work for me. A freedom to not give up when other people told me I had no chance. A freedom to keep “tweaking” and making adjustments. A freedom to stumble and rise again, without abandoning myself for how I learn. A freedom to be at peace with myself.
What Helped Me
Through my recovery process, I discovered that shame kept me stuck for many years. I discovered that shame is a “being wound”. Shame is different than guilt, in that, with guilt; you can make an amends. Shame, on the other hand, debilitating shame; gives no option of relief. With my awareness, I began to realize that I needed to examine shame and the impact of shame on my life. Several years ago I wrote an article to share what I discovered that helped me to understand shame and how shame impacted my life.
Below is a link to the article and a video presentation of the article. The article, Whose Shame are you Carrying? In the event that you struggle with feeling like a mistake, I would invite you to click on the below links. The information may help you also to find a new freedom. A freedom to learn in ways that work for you. A freedom to learn at your own rate and pace. A freedom to follow your dreams. A freedom to stop feeling like a mistake. A freedom from a fear of failure. A freedom to create.
A freedom from abandoning yourself. A freedom to be at peace with yourself.
Whose Shame are you Carrying?
Living with a Brain Injury — Whose Shame are You Carrying? Video Presentation
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” Albert Einstein
You have my permission to share my articles and or video presentations with anyone you believe could benefit, however, please attribute me as being the author of the article (s) video presentation (s), and provide a link back to the article (s) on Second Chance to Live. In the event that you have questions, please send those questions to me. All questions are good questions. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you. Copyright 2016.
I found after my TBI that my hearing comprehension was very damaged. Other competing sound further reduces comprehension. This makes most instruction worthless for me. But eventually I found a learning pathway called “repetition through my hands” which works. I can’t adequately tell you how much frustration was relieved.
Hi Paula,
Thank you so much for your email. I agree. I am glad that I am aware. Last night I spent time with a techy friend. I learned the lesson that I shared in the article, Perfectionism, Learning and Brain Injury; from my interactions with him a little over a year ago Paula. He was frustrated when I did not connect the dots with how he explained things to me. When I did not get it he got angry with me, I got frustrated and felt shame. I am glad that I learned from my interaction with him that he was frustrated by my not learning with how he was teaching me and I was frustrated and felt shame for not getting it the way he was teaching me. By learning the lesson of our interactions, I realized that the way he thinks and the way I think is different. Does not make him or I bad. Just different.
I spent some time with him last night and the frustration arose again, but this time, I realized that his frustration stemmed from me not getting it and my frustration stemmed from him getting frustrated with me. I am glad for the awareness, in that I did not shame myself for not getting it the way he was trying to teach me. I was able to tell him the reason why, that I learn in different ways than how he was explaining things to me. I like you am thankful to be aware and realize that I need to seek out different sources of information to help me to learn, not my friend. I like you Paula am thankful for the awareness that I learn in ways that certain people do not have the ability to help me understand.
This is what I discovered a long time ago, but on a different front. Please read my about page, by clicking on the below link; and scrolling down the page. My experience over the past 49+ years may help you to in your process too, Paula.Let me know if what I share on my about page is of benefit to you my friend. Thank you.
https://secondchancetolive.org/about-second-chance-to-live/
Thank you, for writing, leaving a comment and for sharing your experience, Paula.
Have a great day my friend.
Craig