Several years ago I read a sentence that stood out to me, “We’re being good to ourselves when we help others, and when we fill our lives with pleasant and rewarding activities” p. 91 March 31, One Day at a Time. When I read this sentence I was reminded to watch my motives. As I thought about these two ideas, I had an awareness. Over much of my lifetime, I practiced people pleasing and approval seeking so that I could OK with me.
I allowed other people’s validation to drive me. What they thought of me was more important than what I thought about myself. Subsequently, I found myself (figuratively speaking) trying to take other people’s temperatures to determine how I should feel and what I should do. In the process, I became a human doing rather than merely being. Serving others became a part of this self-defeating behavior. Service became another way to seek validation. Through being consumed by others opinions, I found myself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually depleted. Consequently, I had little time or energy to explore the idea of a pleasant or rewarding activity.
Through my pursuit of personal empowerment, I have discovered two very important lessons. First, in the event that I am helping others with expectations or specific outcomes attached I may become resentful. Instead of helping, I perpetuate unhealthy behaviors such as control and manipulation. When I am operating (consciously or unconsciously) in this mode, I am setting myself up to feel victimized, which in turn can only foster a martyr mindset. If I find myself holding onto a resentment, I need to check my motives. I need to ask myself a question. Was I attempting to validate my worth or value through doing rather than giving? If my answer to this question is yes, then I need to learn from my experience. Reality has shown me that giving without expectations keeps me from falling into the trap of premeditated resentments.
Secondly, “finding pleasant and rewarding activities” can be turned into a chore. If achievement has become the goal to qualify my worth and value as a man, then I have lost focus. If I am driven to produce or perform then I am unable to benefit from any pleasant or rewarding activity. Additionally, I have discovered that pleasant and rewarding activities are meant to enhance who God created me to become in this life. Pleasant and rewarding activities now enrich and rejuvenate my ability to use my gifts, talents, and abilities. Consequently, I am experiencing a new freedom because I am following my bliss. Work becomes play and labor becomes fun. I no longer need to be driven to produce or perform.
As you listen to, watch or read my articles and questions come to mind, please send those questions to mind. All questions are good questions. In the event that you would like to leave a comment, I would love to hear from you.To do so, please use the below contact form. I will respond to your comments and questions.
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Have a great day.
Craig
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I find your post to be very accurate and insightful. I have an aquired brain injury from a car accident 10 years ago. My recovery process has had many hills and valleys, successes and failures. Sometime I feel like I have had more failures than successes. I hardly ever praise myself. I never do anything good enough. That comes from my lack of acceptance and always wanting the validation of others. What I choose to do is often based on the approval of those around me. I have recently begun to do some reading and researching ways to gain my power back, I want to enpower myself. I no longer want to look to others for acceptance and validation. I will never be happy if I continue to live like this. Moving forward means enpowering myself. I have recently come to realize that I am holding myself back. I look for validation from others when I only need to give it to myself. Learning to love myself again has been a process that I am just begining to succeed at. Reading posts like this really help me realize and impliment the direction I need to go. Using my courage and strength to be successful will be the most satisfying part of my journey. As a get stronger I will be able to share my journey experiences with others. I have benefited from reading others experiences.
Hello Mary Beth,
Thank you so very much for taking the time to write to me. I am honored. You are not alone in your struggles, I assure you. On my journey I have learned some wonderful lessons which have helped me to learn to live in my own skin and validate who I am. I have written several posts that are found with in Second Chance to Live. I want to share some of those with you.
The information that you will find with in my articles — I believe –will help you in your process. I have found that we do not have to be alone on our journeys. I have benefited through being a part of support groups. I have also found my process is not about reaching a destination. Instead I have found that my process is about a journey.
Please do not feel overwhelmed by the material that I am sending with this mail. Take you time reading through the articles that I am sending to you. Please feel free to ask questions as you read the material.
I applaud your determination to be empowered. I hope that the information that I am sending to you will empower your process Mary Beth. Please stay in touch with me my friend.
Thank you again for taking the time to leave a comment. You are a blessing to me Mary Beth!
Have a pleasant rest of your day and God bless you.
Craig
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