In yesterday’s article, Owning Our Reality — No longer a Victim I spoke to 3 rules that need to be broken to be able to heal and create hope. In today’s article, I would like to share what I discovered that occurs when I lapse back into denying my reality. The below are “red flags”. When I notice that the below is occurring in my life, I know that I need to take an inventory. I need to take an inventory to determine why I have forgotten that I have the power to choose.
This rule is often burned into the subconscious of the individual through the threat of reprisal. The individual has to live their life from the lie based on the denial inherent in the secret or conflict. The secret is more often than not connected to shame and guilt. The secret becomes more valuable that the individuals. Shame and guilt perpetuate the denial that debilitates the individual. Denial promotes dysfunction in an attempt to justify the secret or conflict. Within a family that promotes the Don’t Talk rule, each member assumes or is given a role in masking the secrets or conflicts.
This rule isolates the individual from the help that could be found to resolve the conflict. The individual also learns to trade their judgment for the judgment of other people. When the individual does not trust their judgment, they become vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals. The individual becomes conditioned to accepting abuse from and by the judgment of other people. As the abuse continues the individual internalize the reasons for the abuse as being their fault. The abuse confirms that they can not trust themselves or their judgment.
This rule alienates the individual from themselves. When the individual discards the part of themselves that connects them to their creativity, they slowly die from the inside out. Feelings are the mechanisms that connect our soul to our spirit, which in turn enables us to interpret our environment (Please read, A Tool from my Toolbox). When I feel, my brain connects with my heart, which makes me unique. In families where feelings are considered a threat, the individual learns to shut down emotionally. Feelings are often seen as a threat because they are connected to an unresolved conflict or secret. In many dysfunctional group settings feelings are also minimized and discouraged for this very reason.
Each of these rules undermines the quality of life. Each of these rules diminishes the individual.
Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Feel keep the individual from discovering their authentic creative self. If I am sworn to secrecy or told that I can not trust anyone, including myself:
I will see no value in feeling my feelings.
I will become a reactor, rather than an actor in my life.
I will believe that life is merely a gauntlet of obstacles to overcome and struggles to survive.
I will become preoccupied with people pleasing and approval seeking and I will not think outside the box (Please read my post, Are You Living In a Box?)
I will be in a constant state of anxiety without knowing how to stop the madness.
I will buy into the notion that someone is to blame. Personal responsibility will be replaced with control and manipulation.
I will believe I am a victim of my circumstances and an heir to misery.
I will not look for solutions, but will be satisfied with being abused.
I will seek to justify my behavior because I am not at fault.
I will live my life in quiet desperation because I have no hope.
I will see myself as a statistic, rather than as an empowered being.
I will believe that I am responsible for rather than to other people.
I will not develop faith in a power greater than myself because no one can be trusted.
I will seek out drama to feel alive.
I will never be satisfied with life. Good will never be, good enough.
I will seek to be involved in relationships that perpetuate my despondency.
I will remain in denial and trade the truth for a lie.
I will seek to stymie anyone that makes me feel my feelings.
I will merely exist.
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