Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to have you around my table. Defining a sense of self, self-esteem, and self-acceptance can be very difficult for anyone. The loss of a sense of self following a brain injury can leave the individual both puzzled and bewildered. In the revised article below, Acquired Brain Injury — In Pursuit of Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance, I share what I discovered that helped, and continues to help me; to discover my sense of self, self-esteem, and self-acceptance as an individual living with the impact of a traumatic brain injury. In the event that the article and video presentation benefits you, please let me know and share the article with anyone whom you believe could benefit. Thank you.
Acquired Brain Injury — In Pursuit of Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance (Revised version April 15, 2015)
Originally posted by Second Chance to Live on November 5, 2009
During the past several days I have been thinking about the topic of self-esteem. Last night I attended a meeting and the topic of self-esteem was tabled for discussion. As I listened, reflected and thought about my own experience I realized that several key components had played a significant role in my pursuit of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Performance and relationships.
My drive to be accepted by people to define my worth and value as a person dominated my behavior for many years. In the process, I discarded parts of myself in an attempt to be OK with other people and myself. In actuality, I was driven by the notion that I needed to make “you” OK with me, so that I knew “you” and I were OK, before I could hope to be OK with myself. This behavior manifested itself in all my relationships and in the process undermined my ability to be at peace with myself. In the process, I traded my opinion, for the opinion of other people. The effects of such behavior left me in a spiritual and emotional disarray. In the process, I traded serenity for the hope of creating peace between other people and myself, so that I could have peace with myself.
Through my process, I began to realize that I had become dependent upon the moods of other people. In my dependence, I strove through performance to “fix” other people in an attempt to garnish self-esteem and self-acceptance. As a traumatic brain injury survivor, living with an invisible disability, I became a convenient “scapegoat” for other people’s irritability, restlessness, and discontent. Consequently, in my attempt to compensate for my invisible deficits and limitation, as well as my low or non-existent-self-esteem; I strove all the more to achieve self-esteem and in the process, self-acceptance. What I discovered, through my process; was that I had unknowingly been using my external, instead of my internal environment to define my self-esteem self-acceptance.
What I discovered, through my process; was that I had unknowingly been using my external (other people), instead of my internal (myself) environment to define my self-esteem self-acceptance.
What I discovered through my process was that in my attempt (s) to garnish self-esteem from other people, I undermined my ability to have a self, whom I could esteem and accept. What I discovered, through my process; was that I had willingly given my self-esteem and self-worth into the hands of people, who were unable to esteem or accept me for who I was as an individual. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer needed to set myself up to have low-self esteem — by looking to other people to validate my worth and value. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could learn how to detach myself from what other people thought of me. I could slowly stop basing my self-esteem or self-worth on what other people thought of me.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I needed to begin to define who I was (am) as an individual and begin esteeming and accepting myself as an individual. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that my self-esteem and self-acceptance were never meant to come from outside of me. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer had to give away my self-esteem and self-acceptance at the expense of gaining other people’s approval. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could change my motivations. With my awareness, I slowly realized that I could stop looking to people for approval. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could stop looking to gauge my self-esteem and self-acceptance through other people.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could stop seeking to gauge my self-esteem and self-acceptance through the eyes of other people.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could learn how to express myself without first needing to seek the approval of other people. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could let other people believe what they wanted to believe while practicing the principle of live and let live. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer needed to answer, defend, explain or justify myself, to have self-esteem and self-acceptance. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that in order to build self-esteem and self-acceptance I needed to be aware of when I was giving myself away. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I needed to stop practicing self-defeating behaviors, such as; people pleasing and approval seeking.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I needed to be aware of the triggers that drove me in my attempts to do more, to do enough, to be enough, to gain the approval of other people. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I needed to be self-caring, which is not being selfish. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer had to see my circumstances and experiences as a gauntlet to be endured, but rather as part of my learning process. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could incorporate the concept of learning curves into each of my learning experiences. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could allow myself to set my rate and pace for learning.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer had to perceive my discomfort and pain as negatives, but rather as catalysts for positive change. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I no longer had to place judgments on my efforts or my learning process. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could substitute my black and white thinking with shades of gray. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could substitute my all or none thinking with the concept of opportunities and possibilities. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could esteem and accept myself within my reality, although there continued to be people in my life who could not esteem or accept me as an individual living with a brain injury.
With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could live and think outside of the box that I had willingly allowed other people to define for me. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could be my own cheerleader. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could define what self-esteem and self-acceptance looked like for me. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could begin to “dance to my own drum”, within the definition of self-esteem and self-acceptance that I set for myself. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could begin to have a relationship with myself and value what I was /am accomplishing with my life. With my awareness, I slowly began to realize that I could trust the process, a loving God and myself.
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