Hello my friend and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the past several weeks I have been speaking to topics that have been crucial to my recovery and in my healing process. Through my process I found that I had to address my denial, anger and resentment to move beyond that which was blocking my relationships: my relationships with the God of my understanding, with other people and with myself.
Through my process I discovered that one of my biggest hindrances — in life — involved my critical nature. I discovered that my need to be perfect was driven by my attempt to avoid criticism, ridicule, rejection and self-loathing. Because I was unable to meet the demands of perfection I internalized ongoing frustration and anger. My frustration perpetuated my need to overcompensate and over achieve in order to maintain my perceived relationship with God, with other people and with myself.
Before I addressed and confronted my denial, anger and resentments through my grieving process I treated other people with the same contempt that I showed myself. My contempt was manifested through the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, other people and myself.
Through my experience and by addressing and confronting my denial, anger and resentments I grew in my awareness. First of all I realized that NONE of the relationships that I sought to sustain were healthy. I discovered that I either took hostages or was made to be a hostage in my relationships. I found that my feelings of inferiority alienated me from the very relationships that I sought to cultivate. I also discovered that I unconsciously projected my shame into my relationships through my unrealistic expectations.
My shame subsequently sought to control my relationships because I believed that I needed to do a dance to maintain those relationships. My denial, anger and resentments — through my shame — led me to believe that my relationships could only be sustained through a specific set of dance steps. Essentially, I believed that I needed to make the person – that I sought to be in a relationship — OK with me, so that we could be OK, so that I could be OK with me.
Through my process, I discovered that my unrealistic expectations served to perpetuate the dance.
Through my process I have grown in my awareness. In my awareness I have come to recognize that I no longer need to participate in any dance to be OK with me. Consequently, I have been able to let go of my need to be perfect. I have traded the notion of perfection for the pursuit of excellence. My drive to fulfill unrealistic expectations has faded away and I am learning to trust the process, a loving God and myself. Consequently, I am learning to have a relationship with myself.
Here is my Contact page. Send comments and questions and I will respond to you.
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