Self-Pity, Perfectionism and When will I Find My Destiny?

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. Yesterday I was at a support group meeting and the topic of self pity and perfectionism was brought up for discussion. When the time came for me to share, I shared what I discovered through my experience. When I am experiencing self-pity, I forget that I have choices. Consequently, when I remember that I have choices I find myself being empowered, when things do not go as I expect.

Consequently, when things do not go the way I expect, I do not have to be stuck by those expectations.

For many years of my life I found myself stuck by trying to justify my existence by striving to be perfect. I strove for a variety of reasons. What I have learned through my experience is that learning is a process. Perfectionism is a nemesis to learning, as perfectionism dictates that I should have already mastered everything. Such awareness has empowered me to realize that learning is a process that takes place over a period of time, with out constraint. 

For many years I found myself attempting to defend, answer and explain myself to justify my existence. Through my awareness, I began to realize that I could stop defending my right to exist. In the process, I discovered that I could begin to celebrate my existence through learning and being. In my learning and being, I discovered how I could find my destiny. 

In September of 2008, I wrote and published an article on Second Chance to Live. This particular article was among the widely read articles at the time and for several years. The articles title, When will I Find My Destiny? I feel led to re-post that article at this time.

When Will I Find My Destiny?

Posted by Second Chance to Live on September 23, 2008

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. You are always welcome around my table. I have been thinking about the matter of finding one’s destiny. Through considering the quest, I arrived at some definite conclusions.

A person’s destiny is in the now. A person’s destiny is something that evolves with each experience. Consequently, a person’s destiny is not to be found, but experienced.

During many years of my life I focused on the “when’s” of life. When I get the degree, when I get the job or when I get the relationship. Consequently, I spent huge amounts of time and energy in my attempt to secure the when’s of life. You see, I bought into the notion that these when’s were going to complete me and in the process secure my destiny. In essence, I attached my being to the outcomes and became a human doing. In my obsession to secure my destiny, I lost sight of my journey and my being.

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. Frank A. Clark

Living essentially became a means to an end, rather than something to be cherished and valued. The when’s of life consequently became more important than life itself. Living became a chore as I sought to prove my worth and value through the obtaining of these “when’s”. For many years I was unaware of how my invisible disability — traumatic brain injury — impacted my life. Consequently, I found myself frustrated again and again because I repeatedly fell short of obtaining the when’s that I had for my life.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Over time I became aware of how the “when’s” — that I had for my life — distracted me from the “now’s” of my life. The “when’s” of life were a distraction because they were like the proverbial golden carrot that remained just out of reach. In my awareness, the obvious became apparent. My “now’s” are always present. Because my “nows” are always present I am given the opportunity to learn from my present moment. As I learn from my “nows”, I am provided with the knowledge to experience my destiny in the present moment.

Consequently, I no longer need to pursue my destiny. Instead, as I stay in my present, I am able to participate in my destiny because I choose to create in the now. Through creating in the present I am able to take advantage of the circumstances that my now’s offer to me, because my circumstances are not meant to keep me down, but they are meant to build me up. Through staying in the now, I am freed from the belief that I need to find my destiny. Therefore, I am free to be in my destiny, without needing to prove my worth or value in the when.

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0 thoughts on “Self-Pity, Perfectionism and When will I Find My Destiny?

  1. Craig:

    This article has touched me again. It is pushing my hope further, in that I think my hope is to firmly attached to here and now when all along, as you have communicated, we are not there yet, but are getting the pieces, if you will, together. Thanks.

    So often, I get disappointed by others particularly the selfishness I see in those close to me and become disillusioned. As the Kinks put it “Life Goes On.” I am seeing more clearly that I need to accept the good things that are indeed here and available and not stress about the disappointments, because disappointments are the building blocks of time, moving our desires on to heaven, for which we need much preparation. I believe our hearts were made for there but we are not ready for it yet. Thank you for focusing my attention on heaven by identifying time and space here as the journey–reminding me that this is the road only. Oh to enjoy the oases along the way, but there is a much better destination than anything we can imagine. We need to be more like Bunyan’s Pilgrim!

    • Hello Christopher,
      You are welcome my friend. Certainly some thing that I need to remember too Christopher. I am seeking for balance in my life. Some thing that I notice every time I swing from one extreme to another. This too is a process I am finding. I believe I need to remember that by staying in the now, I am able to enjoy the journey and the process. I believe that is what learning and living is about Christopher. This too is a process. I need to remember that people can not give to me what they themselves do not possess. Otherwise — as I too frequently do — find myself going to the hardware store looking to find bread. This leaves me frustrated and discontent when I go to those hardware stores. I need to remember this on a daily basis my friend. I am responsible for my own happiness and contentment. As I remember this — when I remember this — I am able to enjoy my now’s, instead of waiting for things to change for me to be happy and content. A lesson that I definitely need to remember and that I forget far too often. This too is a process. By doing so — that I am responsible for my own happiness and contentment in the now — I am empowered by my experience. By doing so I am better able to live life on life’s terms. By doing so I am better able to trust the process, a loving God and myself as I go about and experience this thing called life. This too is a process. I will say so long for now Christopher. Have a peaceful day my friend. God bless you Christopher. Craig

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