In many families where ongoing conflict persists, a heightened tolerance for emotional pain ensues. Denial, rather than resolution become the goal. Repression, shame, and blame then become tools that are used to perpetuate the need to deny what exists. Overtime all the members of the family assume different roles to perpetuate the lie. Denial perpetuates the drama that contains the conflict. Each individual within the family system denies their authentic self to avoid conflict. Maintaining the role becomes more important than becoming a separate and autonomous individual. The role then becomes the person’s identity and drama becomes the vehicle to feel alive.
For many years, I stayed in my role as a scapegoat because I believed that I was responsible for people, places, and things. By focusing on the drama, my ability to individuate atrophied. My time and energy were devoted to managing the conflict. Rather than focusing on solutions, I was duped into believing that the drama would somehow save me. It was only after I experienced an emotional bottom that I became willing to look for solutions. Through this process, I came to understand the role that I had been living did not represent God’s will for me. Through my process, I came to realize the role that I had been given actually hindered my ability to function, trust and thrive in God’s will for my life.
In my experience, I reached an emotional bottom in my life that helped me to understand how the assigned role actually undermined my ability to trust the process, a loving God and myself.
In my experience, my emotional pain motivated me to look for answers as to why I was in so much pain. In my experience, I began to find answers to my emotional pain from my willingness to be honest with myself. Through my recovery process, I discovered why I felt stuck in the role of that identity. In the process, I discovered that I practiced behaviors on a regular basis that kept me attached to the role. Through my recovery process, I discovered that I needed to stop taking responsibility for what was out of my control and over which I was powerless. Through my recovery process and as I stopped assuming responsibility I was able to slowly break free from the role and yoke that controlled my world.
As I slowly started to break free from the role and yoke that controlled my world, I began to realize that I no longer needed to identify myself with that role. Through breaking free from the role I was able to separate myself from the drama that swirled around the role. Through breaking free from the role and the subsequent drama, I am able to recognize when anyone is wanting me to play that role. Through being aware, I am able to make adjustments in the length and time that I spend with those individuals. In the event that you find yourself in a similar role, I would encourage you to read my 2 part article, Traumatic Brain Injury and the Identified Patient by clicking on the links Part 1 and Part 2.
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