If you have not already read Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12 of this series please take the time to do so my friend. Thank you.
Consequently, I found myself driven by the expectation that if I could fix people, I could feel safe and secure in my relationships. Nevertheless — because I was rarely able to fix the people in the relationships that I sought to maintain — I seldom felt quite safe and secure in any of my relationships. Consequently, instead of being built up by my relationships, I found that having relationships only seemed to reinforce my inadequacy.
Instead of being empowered through the relationships that I had with people I found that my relationships reinforced my core belief that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake. Nevertheless, I did not give up on the notion that I could “fix” people to keep them from going away and abandoning me.
Consequently, I did not give up on another core believe. The belief convinced me that my emotional safety and security were dependent up receiving the validation – from people in my relationships – that we were OK. In response I regularly engaged in behaviors that reinforced that I was not OK – people pleasing and approval seeking. In response, I engaged in these behaviors to alleviate any and all discord in the relationship.
In response, I assumed the position of being responsible for everything under the sun. In responses, I sad I was sorry for so many times that my 6 th grade English teacher gave me an assignment to write, “I am sorry” 500 times. Nevertheless, I continued to assume the position of being a scapegoat and the identified patient in relationships.
In the process of participating in the dance, I bought into the notion that I could control the uncontrollable. In the process, I traded my ability to trust for my ability to go along to get along. In the process, I discarded parts of myself in my struggle to be OK to avoid — at all costs – being shamed, blamed, criticized, ridiculed, ostracized, talked about and / or made fun of in and out of my relationships.
In the process, I maintained very unhealthy and toxic relationships. In the process, I sabotaged my ability to trust the process, a loving God and myself.
Please read Part 4 for context. Thank you.
If you have not already read Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12 of this series please take the time to do so my friend. Thank you.
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