Consequently, I found myself driven by the expectation that if I could fix people, I could feel safe and secure in my relationships. Nevertheless — because I was rarely able to fix the people in the relationships that I sought to maintain — I seldom felt quite safe and secure in any of my relationships. Consequently, instead of being built up by my relationships, I found that having relationships only seemed to reinforce my inadequacy.
Instead of being empowered through the relationships that I had with people I found that my relationships reinforced my core belief that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake. Nevertheless, I did not give up on the notion that I could “fix” people to keep them from going away and abandoning me.
Consequently, I did not give up on another core believe. The belief convinced me that my emotional safety and security were dependent up receiving the validation – from people in my relationships – that we were OK. In response I regularly engaged in behaviors that reinforced that I was not OK – people pleasing and approval seeking. In response, I engaged in these behaviors to alleviate any and all discord in the relationship.
In response, I assumed the position of being responsible for everything under the sun. In responses, I sad I was sorry for so many times that my 6 th grade English teacher gave me an assignment to write, “I am sorry” 500 times. Nevertheless, I continued to assume the position of being a scapegoat and the identified patient in relationships.
In the process of participating in the dance, I bought into the notion that I could control the uncontrollable. In the process, I traded my ability to trust for my ability to go along to get along. In the process, I discarded parts of myself in my struggle to be OK to avoid — at all costs – being shamed, blamed, criticized, ridiculed, ostracized, talked about and / or made fun of in and out of my relationships.
In the process, I maintained very unhealthy and toxic relationships. In the process, I sabotaged my ability to trust the process, a loving God and myself.
Please read Part 4 for context. Thank you.
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