Shame seeks to keep me distracted by a faulty notion that tells me that what I do and who I am is not enough. Shame seeks to keep me in denial. Shame seeks to rob my energy. Shame seeks to silence my efforts through criticism, minimization and marginalization.
As a person with a brain injury and an invisible disability, I allowed the message of shame to bully me for many years. The shame bully controlled and manipulated my every move. Shame told me that I was not enough and that my best efforts were never quite good enough. When I attempted to justify, answer, defend and explain myself to the bully, the bully would jeer at me. The more I attempted to appease the bully — through striving to do more to be enough — the more the bully would remind of the reasons why I felt inadequate and insecure.
With time and through my process I began to realize that no matter how much I did to appease the bully, the bully would still abuse me. With time and through my ongoing pain I began to realize what the bully was doing to me. With time and when I got tired of being bullied I realized that if nothing changed, it would remain the same. Consequently, I made the decision to examine why I believed that I deserved to be bullied. With my decision, I made several other decisions. I realized that I needed to examine: why I believed that I was a mistake, why I believed that my best efforts were never quite good enough,
why I felt a need to justify, defend, answer and explain myself to the bully and why I had such a difficult time living in my own skin.
Through my recovery process and my pain I found the motivation to confront the shame bully. Through my recovery process I discovered the origins of the lies and how I had been set up to bullied. Through my pain and my recovery process I discovered why I had so readily accepted what I was being told by the bully. Through my recovery process I discovered why I felt minimized and marginalized by the bully. Through my recovery process I discovered how the bully used shame to keep me in denial. Please read my article, What is Keeping You Stuck? for more insight.
Please read Part 3 for context. Thank you.
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