Such covert and overt conditioning brought about a fear of abandonment in me.
Consequently, I found myself — unconsciously — being driven to strive all the more in an attempt to keep people from leaving and abandoning me. What’s more is that I found that whenever I did not measure up to expectations my fear of abandonment would trigger feelings of alienation and isolation.
My feelings of isolation and abandonment coupled with my fear of abandonment convinced me that there was some thing inherently wrong with me. My fear of abandonment coupled with my feelings of alienation and isolation reinforced that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake.
My feelings of alienation and isolation led me to believe that I could not feel safe and secure in my relationships – with individuals, groups, organizations, religious institutions or with the God of my understanding.
Nevertheless, I continued to strive. I strove to not just do things well, but to do them perfectly. I strove to do things perfectly because I thought that if I “just” tried harder and measured up to and exceeded expectations I could and would be able to maintain safe and secure relationships.
I thought if I strove to be perfect people and even the God of my understanding would not go away.
I continued to live under the notion that I could prevent people and even God from going away — by trying harder and by being perfect — until I realized what I was doing to myself. When I reached a point in time — when I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, of being sick and tired — I realized that I needed to change. I needed to cease from my striving.
I needed to change the way I looked at trust and the way I related to my relationships. I needed to stop practicing a form of insanity — by doing the same thing over and over again while expecting to get different results. I realized that I needed to do whatever was necessary to stop sabotaging myself and my relationships.
Please read Part 6 for context. Thank you.
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