Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. I am honored by your presence. Yesterday evening, while meeting with a group of friends the discussion of relationships,conflict and peace was introduced. When the time came for me to share from my experience, strength and hope, these are some of the thoughts that I shared with the group.
Through my recovery process I became aware of the patterns in my relationships. As I examined the patterns in my relationships I discovered that there was a common theme. If there was conflict or unrest in the relationship I experienced feelings of shame, anxiety and the fear of abandonment. Consequently — in my attempts to quiet my feelings of shame, anxiety and the fear of abandonment — I desperately tried to “fix” the conflict and the unrest in my relationships.
Not only did I believe that I was cause for the conflict and unrest, but I believed that I needed to “fix” the unrest and conflict in order to “make” the person in the relationship “OK”. I was driven to “fix” or make the person “OK” in order to know that we were “OK” in the relationship, before I could hope to be “OK” with myself and secure.
You see I bought into the notion at an early age — that if conflict or unrest existed for any reason in any of my relationships — I was to blame. Several factors also contributed to and complicated matters. One, that I was driven to be perfect in order to avoid or relieve my ongoing feelings of not being “OK” and insecurity and two that I was living life with an invisible disability — for which neither I nor other people were aware. For more information please read my About page. Thank you.
Consequently, I found myself guessing at what was normal in all of my relationships.
Because I rarely felt secure or OK with myself I found myself constantly striving — all the more — in an attempt to do enough to measure up to be enough so that I could feel “OK” and secure. Consequently, a performance based acceptance drove me to despair. My efforts to be enough only seemed to reinforce that I was unlovable and unworthy of being loved — by God, my fellows or myself.
Please stay tuned for Part 2. Thank you.
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