Several days ago I began this series as an addendum or in follow up to an article that I wrote, Living with a Disability — Go and Make it a Good Day. I began this series because in my experience I found that I could not begin to Go and Make it a Good Day until I addressed what kept me from being able to Go and Make it a Good Day. Per your information, each part of the series builds upon the previous parts of the series and each part of the series is connected to the series as a whole.
That is why I suggest that each of the previous parts be read for context.
I hope you are benefiting from my experience, strength and hope. Please let me know if the content of the series is helping you. Thank you.
And now for Part 8 of the series.
Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame undermined my experience for many years because I did not believe that I made mistakes, but that I was a mistake.
When I started to experience my anger — in my helplessness — I turned that anger inwards. For many years, I unknowingly allowed my anger to fester in the realm of resentments. I had resentments toward various people, but the biggest resentment that I maintained was against myself. I was resentful towards myself because I was unable to do enough to be enough. Consequently, I spent huge amounts of time and energy chiding and berating myself because of my shame.
In my striving to be more — to prove that I was not a mistake — I discovered that I repeatedly sabotaged myself — through fear — because of my anger, resentments and shame.
In my awareness, I discovered that much of the judgement and criticism that I had of other people and myself stemmed from my lack of self-acceptance. I then discovered that I projected my critical and judgemental attitude onto the people, places and situations who did not measure up to my expectations. With time and through my recovery process, I began to realize that the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, myself and other people impeded my ability to trust.
Through my process, I discovered that the unrealistic expectations that I had of God, myself and other people severely impeded my ability to trust.
I then discovered that because I had difficulty trusting I sought to control and manipulate God, people, places and things. When I was unable to control or manipulate outcomes, I became angry, resentful and in the process isolated. My judgmental and critical attitudes — in the process — alienated anyone who might have been willing to help. Most importantly, I cut myself from the Source of my healing– a loving God — who alone could save me from myself.
In my process, I discovered that — as I held onto my anger and my resentments — I pushed the true Source of my healing away from me. Consequently, through my critical and judgmental attitude — fueled by my anger, resentments and shame — I became my own worse enemy.
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