Several days ago I began this series as an addendum or in follow up to an article that I wrote, Living with a Disability — Go and Make it a Good Day. I began this series because in my experience I found that I could not begin to Go and Make it a Good Day until I addressed what kept me from being able to Go and Make it a Good Day. Per your information, each part of the series builds upon the previous parts of the series and each part of the series is connected to the series as a whole.
That is why I suggest that each of the previous parts be read for context.
I hope you are benefiting from my experience, strength and hope. Please let me know if the content of the series is helping you. Thank you.
Further confrontation of my denial revealed that I also had and held resentments towards myself.
Per my experience, as I slowly became aware of my anger I realized that I had bought into a denial system that sought to keep me in denial through shame. Because I believed that I deserved to be shamed for not being enough, I internalized my anger. Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame convinced and contained me in denial because I believed that I was the problem and thus deserved to be shamed. Shame undermined my worth and my value. Shame kept me in a state of anxiety and depression.
Shame undermined my ability to trust. Shame scolded me with many questions, but provided no answers. Consequently, I felt victimized by my circumstances and myself for many years.
Shame set the stage for me to become a resident reactor to life rather than an actor in life. I reacted to people, places and things. Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame left me feeling helpless. Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame sabotaged my ability to trust the process, a loving God and myself. Debilitating guilt and debilitating shame drained me of my spiritual and emotional energy — as I attempted to successfully overcompensate for my unknown deficits and limitations to be enough.
Through my process, I discovered that much of my anger was buried under a mountain called debilitating guilt and debilitating shame. My debilitating guilt and debilitating shame was covered over by a mountain of disappointment and disillusionment.
Through my growing awareness I realized that I needed to address my debilitating guilt and debilitating shame. Through my recovery process I discovered the difference between guilt and shame. I discovered that guilt is some thing that can be resolved through making an amends. Shame on the other hand is a being wound that can not be resolved because shame reminds and badgers the individual with the belief that they are defective — no matter how hard they try to be enough.
In essence, I discovered that my anger, resentments, low self-esteem and low self-worth were all fueled by debilitating guilt and debilitating shame.
To be continued in Part 8.
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