Several days ago I began this series as an addendum or in follow up to an article that I wrote, Living with a Disability — Go and Make it a Good Day. I began this series because in my experience I found that I could not begin to Go and Make it a Good Day until I addressed what kept me from being able to Go and Make it a Good Day. Per your information, each part of the series builds upon the previous parts of the series and each part of the series is connected to the series as a whole.
That is why I suggest that each of the previous parts be read for context.
I hope you are benefiting from my experience, strength and hope. Please let me know if the content of the series is helping you. Thank you.
Despite all of my efforts to prove that I was not a mistake, I still believed that I was a mistake.
As I became aware of the impact that denial was having upon my life, I got angry. I was angry at myself, angry at other people and angry at being identified myself as a traumatic brain injury survivor. I was angry at the societal stigma that seemed to discount, minimize and marginalize who I was and what I had could bring to the table of life. I was angry because my best efforts to succeed in life proved to be inadequate. I was angry because I could not find my way out of the proverbial brown paper bag.
I was angry because I could not “fight” my way out of the proverbial brown paper bag that having a brain injury placed me with in — both socially and vocationally. I was angry in my confusion.
Through the process of confronting my anger, I discovered that I had developed many resentments through out my life time. My resentments were directed toward people, places, churches, educational institutions and employers. Not only did I discover that I collected resentments toward people, places and things but I harbored resentments towards myself. Through my process I discovered that I held a huge resentment toward myself. The resentment surrounded my inability to be enough.
In my anger and through my recovery process I discovered the reason why I consciously and unconsciously held onto resentments. For some reason I held onto the notion that by maintaining my resentments I could some how control and avoid having to address the impact that denial was having upon my life.
As I became aware of how angry I was, I discovered how my anger was impacting my relationships — not only with God and other people, but with myself. In my process I also came to the awareness that denial — through my anger and resentments — sought to keep me isolated through shame. Denial, anger and resentment — by hideous design — kept me isolated from other people and myself. Through my recovery process I discovered that shame was at the root of my denial, anger and resentment.
Consequently, I internalized my anger through resentments because at a core level I did not believe that I made mistakes, but that I was a mistake.
Please read Part 7 for context. Thank you.
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