In part 4 of the Traumatic Brain Injury and the Grieving Process, the impact of anger and resentment upon the grieving process was discussed. In part 4 I shared how my life had been negatively impacted by the anger that I turned inwards on myself. I then went on to share how denial sought through shame to thwart my spiritual and emotional energy.
In part 4 I shared how I discovered that my shame — fueled by my internalized anger – perpetuated my denial, negativity, criticism and a judgmental attitude toward other people and myself. I found that the impact of my negativity, criticism, and my judgmental attitudes proved to be counter-productive to being able to accept my reality. Through my process, I discovered that I desperately needed to address my shame, anger, negativity, criticism and judgmental attitudes.
Once I realized that I needed to address my shame, negativity, and critical nature I found myself back in a familiar anxiety. Upon further examination, I found that my anxiety stemmed from my fear of physical and emotional abandonment. In the process, I discovered that my fear of abandonment was firmly attached to my core belief that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was a mistake. As I have shared throughout this series — for many years — I believed that I did not just make mistakes, but that I was not a mistake. Consequently, I lived in a state of shame.
As I examined my motives I determined that I sought to prove that I was not a mistake in order to avoid the dread of being physically and emotionally abandoned. My anxiety and fear stemmed from my core belief that if I was unable to make another person OK with me, then I could not be OK with me.
When I realized that I needed to address my denial, anger, negativity, criticism and judgmental attitudes I began a program of rigorous honesty. I found that I needed to examine the resentments that I held toward other people and myself. In my process, I found that by examining my resentments I was able to look at the patterns that I maintained in my relationships with other people and with myself. Through my process, I discovered that the resentments that I held toward other people and myself actually sustained my denial, anger, negativity, criticism and judgmental attitudes.
Please read Part 6 of this series by clicking on Part 6. Thank you.
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