Before I began my grief work, I saw denial as an ally. When anguish motivated me to begin my grieving process I began to see denial as an active adversary. As my eyes slowly opened I saw that denial was seeking to keep me trapped in a system that would or could not allow me to realize or accept my reality.
In collusion with my fear (s), denial shamed me for not being enough even though I sought to do my very best. Denial also sought to keep me distracted so that I could not see a way to my destiny. Denial led me to believe that I was my disability, deficits, and limitations.
Denial minimized my passion and discounted my gifts, talents, and abilities. Denial — in practice — sought to silence my voice. Denial kept me shrouded by a societal stigma that devalued my worth because of my traumatic brain injury. Denial kept me subservient to what other people thought of me. Denial undermined my self-worth and self-esteem. Denial kept me crouched in the shadows of isolation. Denial told me that what I thought and felt were of no accord. Denial sought to keep me distracted so that I could not see the truth. Denial sought to disparage my value and worth because I did not live up to denial’s expectations.
As my awareness grew and I saw how my denial was limiting my life. Consequently, I made the decision to confront my denial.
Through the process of confronting my denial, I have learned some valuable lessons. I will share some of those lessons with you. As I confronted my denial I needed to keep the focus on myself. I needed to be accountable to and for how I was choosing to respond my loss (s). I needed to own my sadness because of my loss (s) instead of detaching from my reality. I needed to feel my feelings. I needed to sit with my discomfort. I needed to determine why I was reacting to people, places, and situations. I needed to determine why I thought that I needed to maintain my denial.
I needed to love myself through the process of confronting my denial. Consequently, I could no longer blame anyone for my loss (s) or for how I was choosing to react to my loss (s).
Through my experience of confronting my denial, I have become more accountable to myself. As I have continued to be accountable to and for myself I have been able to own my process. As I have been able to own my process, I have been empowered to move beyond my denial. In the process, I have broken free of a denial system that sought to justify its position by denying my reality. By confronting my denial I have been able to open the door that denial sought to keep shut. Therefore I have been able to move on with my journey towards the acceptance of my loss (s).
Consequently, I have given myself the permission to be present for myself.
The article continues in Part 3. To read Part 3 of the article, please click on the following link: Part 3
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