Hi, and welcome back to my table. You are always welcome to stop by and visit with me. Earlier this evening I had a spiritual awakening. I have been meditating on some thing I share in Second Chance to Live on a regular basis. I encourage my readers to trust the process, a loving God and themselves. The phase I want to talk about tonight involves trusting a loving God. I am not talking about religion, so please do not tune me out or leave this post. I believe the awareness that I am going to share with you is so powerful that your life will be changed forever my friend. The awareness has empowered me to draw from a well that I previously thought was just too deep.
My relationship with my Dad was hard to understand for many years. I received many double messages from him and as a result I developed a love hate relationship with him. I spent many years attempting to measure up to his expectations for me, so that I would gain his approval. My efforts to please him were mixed with approval and disapproval. Many, many times my best efforts were met with disapproval because I did not measure up to the expectations my Dad had for me. Because of his critical attitude towards me I internalized my best efforts as inadequate.
At a core level I was conditioned to believe I could not measure up to be good enough to be loved and accepted. I internalized my Dad’s inability to approve and applaud my best efforts as a reflection of my being defective and unworthy of acceptance and love. Growing up with a traumatic brain injury and an invisible disability complicated matters. The inconsistency that I experienced with my Dad left me confused as I guessed at what was normal. Because I did not measure up to my Dad’s expectations, I interpreted my Dad’s criticism and disapproval as a reflection of my worth and value. In response I attempted to be perfect, to do more and be more so that I could win my Dad’s approval. Nevertheless, the bar of expectation continued to be raised and I continued to believe that I simply was not good enough.
Through my process I have experienced several spiritual awakenings. These awakenings have revolutionized my relationship with the God of my understanding and with myself. I sincerely believe my Dad did the best he knew how to given his own history. Because he had a hard time accepting himself, he had a hard time accepting the part of himself he saw in me. I believe my Dad was a conflicted perfectionist in that in many ways he demanded that I live up to his expectations that he himself knew were unrealistic. Because my Dad did not know how to process his own feelings of inadequacy — in order to be able to accept his best efforts — for many years he continued to blame me for what he could not do for himself.
In my experience I attempted to “measure up” through striving and overcompensating. When I did not win my Dad’s approval I worked harder and became an over achiever in my attempt to gain my Dad’s love, approval and acceptance. One of the spiritual awakenings that I experienced applied to my relationship with my Dad. The impact of my relationship with my Dad impacted my relationship with the God of my understanding. Because I believed I could not measure up to and gain my Dad’s approval and acceptance – on many occasions – I believed I could not measure up to and gain or win the approval / love / acceptance of the God of my understanding on any consistent basis.
As you watch, listen to or read my article (s) and questions come to mind, please send those questions to me. All questions are good question. In the event that you would like to leave a comment, I would love to hear from you. You may send your question (s) or comment (s) by clicking on this link: Contact Page
Receive more articles like this one simply by clicking on Subscribe to Second Chance to Live by email.
Subscribe to Second Chance to Live, Bookmark and Share Second Chance to Live with your friends through a Feed Reader
All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be, copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs CC BY-NC-ND