Hi, and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. Thank you for honoring me with your presence. I have been in a funky place over the last 3-4 days. I have been mulling over reasons for my unrest, but could not put my finger on any specific reason until tonight. I have shared at length in my 4 part series, My Struggle Living with an Invisible Disability some personal awareness. I do not choose to point the finger in anyone’s direction, as that is very unproductive. As an empowered being I choose to own my “funkiness” as I explore my humanity. In my 2 part series, Having an Invisible Disability – The Consequence of Denying my Reality I elaborate on how I need to own my reality. I believe my “funkiness” was due to my buying in to a denial system earlier in the week. The denial system insinuates that I “should be” more than I can be today.
When I do not own my reality, I am susceptible to buying into a denial system that wants me to believe that I should not be impacted by the injury to my traumatic brain injury. Earlier this evening I read something that keyed the notion that typified that sentiment. The assertion stipulated that I unduly need help sorting large amounts of information. My reality is that I have problems sequencing information. I believe a lack of information or ignorance led the person to assume that I am “wasting peoples time” to help me understand. Part of me shakes my head like the duck in the TV and radio commercial that says “Aflack”. The other part of me becomes incensed by the belittling and condescending implication presented by the notion that because I have a brain injury I need to have my hand held. Where is the dignity or the grace in comments that come from a lack of information?
When I was in graduate school, one of my professors elaborated on the need for people with disabilities to educate people with out disabilities. As a master’s level rehabilitation counselor, who maintained my national credentials as a Certified Rehabilitation Counselor (CRC) for over 10 years, prior to being deemed disabled from the work force I have a strong opinion. We as people with traumatic brain injuries need to educate those individuals in our world who have not experienced a brain injury with our realities. Through owning our reality and by sharing how the injury to our brain has impacted our lives we are empowered. As we own our reality, we no longer need to cower in insecurity for what we now need to learn or grow as individuals who are brain injury survivors. We do not have to make excuses or justifications for our learning disabilities or limitations.
Please be advised that not all people will be willing to understand. My experience has proven that some people will have ears to hear while other people will not. In my 4 part series as mentioned above I discuss 4 types of people. You may find yourself discouraged and despondent because some people refuse to understand. I have been there too my friend. I have spent many hours attempting to educate some people, without success. I have learned, through my experience that I need to let those people believe what they want to believe. Some people are not capable of understanding or willing to empathize with our learning disabilities, deficits or limitations. They may instead — as I have had done to me — want to minimize your reality for various reasons. You may have people in your world that want you to measure up to their unrealistic expectations. Be encouraged my friend. You do not have to be more than you are today.
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Sherri Corneliuis says
I’m amazed at how closely your posts mirror my state of mind. I have also been in a funk, because of thinking I should be more than I am.
I do not have a brain injury. Perhaps it will help your readers to know that “normal” people deal with the very same issues you outline in your blog, even though they arise for different reasons.
Thank you for validating my feelings, however accidental.
judyb12 says
Craig,
i watched some of those events unfold that caused your “funkiness”, and i think you are completely justified in your feelings. Some people don’t understand your situation at all, and they react inappropriately.
I’ll send you an email with some things to help you with the original situation that prompted the whole thing, which will hopefully help you being exposed to this kind of thing (at least in this very small arena) in the future.
Take care of yourself; it’s the only thing you can do.
timethief says
I would like to offer you a heartflet apology for my lack of patience and compassion and for my unkindness when you posted on non-wordpress.com issues to the wordpress.com support forum.
As I have only been disabled for a short period of time myself I have been struggling to be like those who are not disabled, who are able like I was up until just 2 years ago.
I can see now that this has been the wrong attititude and approach to take. I regret being short tempered and unkind to you. And, I thank you for being a compassionate example of a disabled person that I can look up to.
Rest assured that I will comply with your request not to post to the threads that you may post to the forum in the future.
Namaste (I slaute the divine light within both thee and me in that place within us, wherein we are one.)
secondchancetolive says
Hello My Friend,
I believe I understand. I bought into other people’s denial systems for many years that stipulated that I be more. I also spent too much of my time and energy sincerely trying to prove myself not disabled because of the societal stigma timethief. As a result, I lived in a world of debilitating shame and guilt. Please read my 2 series on this topic, which may help you accept yourself. I am learning to accept myself too. Somedays better than others that is for sure!
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/14/my-struggle-living-with-an-invisible-disability/ (4 part)
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/21/having-an-invisible-disability-%e2%80%93-the-consequence-of-denying-my-reality%e2%80%94part-1/ (2 Part)
We are all learning as we go my friend. No harm no foul. Thank you for making amends with me. All is good with you and me. You are welcome to leave comments in the forum in the future. With everything there is a learning curve. If I can be of assistance to you in anyway timethief, please don’t hesistate to let me know. I have been angry too about my circumstances. You are not alone. https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/18/the-power-of-identification/
Have a simply amazing day my friend and God bless you timethief!
Craig
Raymond Ervin says
Dear Craig:
Please excuse my awkward correspondence, I am still trying to overcome the effects of aphasia acquired during an accident some three years ago when I broke my neck and suffered a traumatic brain injury. I wish to express my sincere gratitude for your outreach efforts and to let you know that at the very least, in my case, they have helped.
Subsequent, to the healing of the any scars from the accident, I found myself placed in my former high stress lifestyle. I also found that because I could no longer perform as before, I was rejected by friends and family alike. I was told to try harder and be more flexible. When I related that I was doing my very best considering I was in chronic pain due to a non-fused odontoid fracture, people just pushed me harder. When I was unable to produce or relate to those about me as I had done previously, I was shunned and I in turn responded by internalizing my anger, grief and shame. I felt that I had been placed in some foreign land and that I was lost in a forest in constant midnight, trying to find some clue to get home. Needless to say the constant pain, the brain injury and the hostile environment eventually depressed me. However, I believe the fact that those I had so sorely been a support to for a significant portion of my life, had abandoned me. Despite my attempts to be more accommodating, people withdrew further isolating me and made me an irrelevant issue in their lives, until some special need occurred and they saw fit to change this.
However, something also changed in me as well. I decided to utilize my isolation to constructively examine my life, desires and capabilities, and explore the possibilities that the “new me” presented. I began to cast off toxic relationships and situations and began to give myself permission to do what was important to me. Although, this has proved difficult because I would desire to remain in the lives of my friends and family, I recognize now that I cannot make them accept me for what I am, and that it is not wrong to let go of the premise of returning to my former self and moving on. I think, that sometimes due to this sort of injury that we are so fixated on looking back to what we were, we can not see where we are going. One certainly wouldn’t drive a car down a highway looking in the opposite direction, so why should I set myself up for failure. I believe that all parties dealing with the long term aspects of TBI would benefit from appreciating that the one thing that’s constant in this world is change. Upon doing so, I feel that we can all better relate, as the past becomes just that, a mile marker before the fork in the road.
I do no expect that my journey will be smooth, but I go down that road knowing that by the Grace of God, I have gotten this far and if God saw fit to give me a second chance despite how everyone else might feel, I KNOW THAT I’M SPECIAL AND WORTHY OF LOVE. That one fact has helped me to at least see the first glimmers of daylight on a long day’s journey through night.
Best Wishes & God’s speed,
Raymond N. Ervin
secondchancetolive says
Hi Raymond,
You are doing just fine Sir. Your struggles are all to familiar to me, with
family and friends. I am sorry you have had to endure those struggles
Raymond. I have written of my experience in several of my posts and believe
you can relate to my struggle. In my site map there are several titles that
I would emcourage you to read, per your encouragement, motivation and
empowerment, Sir. I will include links to those posts,
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/18/the-power-of-identification/ ,
my 4 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/14/my-struggle-living-with-an-invisible-disability/
and my 2 part series,
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/21/having-an-invisible-disability-%e2%80%93-the-consequence-of-denying-my-reality%e2%80%94part-1/ .
Please read these articles and let me know if you find some solace in the
material. You are a very special person and I greatly appreciate you leaving
a comment for me. I am encouraged and motivated by you reaching out to me.
God bless you Raymond! Please read my post,
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/30/passion/.
I look forward to hearing back from you my friend.You are a tremendous
blessing to me Raymond.You are a bright and shining star and a gift to those
in your world.
Thank you for shining my way.
Have a simply amazing day.
Craig
Jim says
Hello Craig
I was looking for web site building information when i stumbled across you page in a search.
I my self have been dealing with TBI for 10 your now. At times i just wish other people would
take the time to understand we some time need help. But it almost seems they don’t care to
accept what we are dealing with. I my self can’t accept but but some how have to deal with it.
My accident wasn’t my fault at all someone cane out of a side road and streight in my drivers
door flipping me i guess a couple times. Broken hip 7 rib fractuers shoulder operated on a year
later neck hurts TBI. Then my wife left. And then i moved closer to family who mostly did not accept
my injuery. I lost most ever thing it seemed. Then given a shot of wiaskey to calm my nerves i turned to alcohol for the next 3yrs. Probably not what i needed. Trying to work but Physically i can not handle working 8 hrs every day. Then to add things are really hard to comprehend. And trying to learn something
new takes more than just dedication. And i really wish people could take a minuet to understand
that i can’t understand. So much more i want to say but This much took mean hour and my shoulder is not hurting so i must go. Best of luck to you and to all of us who are dealing with disabilites.
My Best Wishes to all JIM
secondchancetolive says
Hi Jim,
Thank you for taking the time and energy to write and leave a comment. I appreciate your kindness. I like you learn as I go. I have written several series and articles that address common struggles that we as individuals with both visible and invisible disabilities confront with both family, friends and with people in general. I have included links to those articles that are found on Second Chance to Live. Please let me know if the below articles prove to be helpful. By the way I am proud of you my friend. You are a champion.
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/10/05/living-with-a-disability-as-a-champion/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/02/18/my-journey-thus-far/ 3 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/14/my-struggle-living-with-an-invisible-disability/ 4 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/21/having-an-invisible-disability-%e2%80%93-the-consequence-of-denying-my-reality%e2%80%94part-1/ 2 part series
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/08/28/traumatic-brain-injury-and-the-double-bind/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/05/24/don%e2%80%99t-talk-don%e2%80%99t-trust-and-don%e2%80%99t-feel/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/18/the-power-of-identification/
https://secondchancetolive.org/2007/04/30/passion/
I look forward to hearing back from you Sir.
Have a simply amazing day and God bless you!
Craig
Ann says
Just to give my two cents worth. Here is a little saying that I use often it is sort of advice.
“Your handicap is only as bad as your attitude”
I have a hidden handicap and I also have many other smaller hidden handicaps as I think many people if not all people have. I am dyslexic number one.
I am a mother of a handicapped son now 40 years old born with his condition ( brittle bone and other problems) and a mother of a son 43 who is a new brain injury victim . The two men are so different in the way they handle their born with handicaps and the acquired handicap. Being born with an obvious handicap seems to make it a bit easier to accept in many ways. For one thing you never knew any different way of life and you grew up with it. Not to say that you would not still get into feeling worthless, inadequate and depressed because people may reject you ignore you and make fun of you or you are not like other people and can’t do what normal people do. .
But I see my son’s brain injury is much different problem because it mess-up his thinking and judgment and his whole personality. . I say he is very much the same but ten time the son I knew before his motorcycle accident. Ten time the emotions, anger, silly acting joking often inappropriately, and frustrations, sensitivity, talking. And many other things that cause him problems both physically and mentally and personality wise and socially But going back to my saying: It is the attitude that will make you or break you, more you own attitude than the attitude of others, though both will affect your life. It is like the old sayings “Can’t, never could. If you give up, you will not go anywhere. If you do not think positively it is going to be really a tough road. If you do not try, you will never know if you can do it.
Learning to deal with and except our as well as other peoples handicaps is a big challenge but not impossible. As I observe my two sons , one with I can and one with I don’t think I can attitude, I see me in both of them. There are challenges I will take on and some I will not. Some I know I can do if I try others I know I can’t no matter how hard I try.
Writing this is a very big challenge for me. I know I will never be a perfect speller. I know I may never be a famous writer not that I want to be one. But I would like to be a good one. I have no problem expressing my self by voice. But to write what I want to say a much bigger problem or challenge mostly because of spelling. Thank God for spell check. Or you would not be able to read this. I have found that I can laugh at my self a lot . My son who was born with his handicapping condition laughs at him self a lot and joke about his condition. But he doe not like to be laugh at or made fun of, if you know what I mean. Maybe I have just come to know and excepted his handicap and the brain injury is all new to us and so it is something we as family and friends of my brain injury son have to learn to deal with.. And help him with. . The job of dealing with and informing strangers about both my sons’ conditions is in it self a challenge but it needs to be done day in and day out. We will face many ups and downs in this journey called life and we all will have to come to grips and acceptance of our handicaps and feeling of inadequacies, People ask me. How do you do it? I say, “ Have a good attitude.” Start there.
secondchancetolive says
Hi Ann,
Thank you for writing to me. I am honored by your kindness. Thank you. You are doing marvelously and you communicate well. I also thank God for spell check.
You have a wonderful attitude Ann. I understand on the matter of acceptance…having to go through the grieving process to get to a place of acceptance. I speak to that issue through many of my articles that can be found with in my Site Map https://secondchancetolive.org/site-map/. I would encourage you to spend time reading through articles that I have written for Second Chance to Live Ann.
My traumatic brain injury happened when I was 10 years old in 1967. I grew up with an invisible disability and denial. I have been told that I write what people wish they could say to people that do not have brain injuries.
Because I present information in such a way — to encourage, motivate, empower and provide hope — I believe that article from Second Chance to Live could benefit anyone touched by some type of adversity, abuse or trauma.
During the past 3 years I have been told by many of my readers that the information that I present through Second Chance to Live could encourage, motivate, empower and provide hope to individuals from any type of background or disability.
Thank you for sharing a little about your 2 sons. God bless them!!! Please say hello to them for me. Thank you Ann.
I will say so long for now. Have a pleasant evening and God bless both you and your sons Ann.
Craig