Hi, and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by and visit with me. I am a bit flustered today with what has been going on in my world. I am doing the best I know how to do with my set of circumstances. I make decisions that are based upon previous experience and I seek to live a life of personal responsibility and accountability. Nevertheless, over the past week, I found myself being placed between a rock and a hard space. If I agreed I would be jeered along the way and if I disagreed I would be shunned. I found myself in an all too familiar double bind.
The double bind becomes apparent when I interact with individuals in group 2 and group 3 as explained in My Struggle living with an Invisible Disability –Part 1. Although I attempt to educate people within those groups as to the nature of my disability, for some reason they can not or will not accept that I have legitimate deficits and limitations. Nevertheless, in many instances when I interact with people within groups 2 and 3 they still want me to function as a person without deficits and limitations. What makes matters more difficult for me is that when I interact with individuals in groups 2 and 3 I am held responsible for not being able to live up to their expectations. Often times I am blamed, shamed or put in the position of being a scapegoat for matters that are out of my control and thus the double bind.
Based on my awareness and acceptance I attempted to negotiate a win-win outcome. In the process of attempting to negotiate an amicable course of action, the other person became incensed with me. My attempts to negotiate a win-win outcome were discarded as unacceptable. After I stated how a win-win outcome could be obtained, our conversation became heated. In the process of attempting to prove my point, I got caught up in justifying, answering and defending my position. Angry words were exchanged before the conversation ended. Several hours later I contacted that individual and apologized for my part of the verbal exchange.
Several nights later I attempted to process what I experienced during my negotiation process while attending a support group meeting. After the meeting ended, while talking with a friend he pointed out that I was focusing on the other person’s behavior. At first, I found myself experiencing shame over wanting to be heard. Reality became apparent as I thought about what my friend had told me. In my attempt to be heard I lost my focus. I forgot to remember that the person with whom I attempted to negotiate continues to believe that I am making excuses and using my traumatic brain injury as a tool of convenience. In essence, I am being given the message that I should not be limited by the injury to my brain.
Through the course of attempting to negotiate the win-win outcome, I re-learned several valuable lessons. I am powerless over people’s perceptions. I do not have the power to change anyone’s perspectives. What other people say or think about me does not make it so. I am not responsible for fixing another person so that we can have a better relationship. I can not help open eyes that chose to remain closed. I need to accept people for who they are, rather than who I want them to be.
Because I have the power to make healthy choices, I am able to avoid being placed in a double bind. I no longer need to stay stuck in shame and guilt for not being able to measure up to the expectations of people within groups 2 and 3. I am an empowered individual because I choose to practice live and let live. I am responsible to people, but not for them or their choices. In the event that people, like the individual that I discussed above, choose to deny my reality then I need to practice healthy self-care and limit the amount of time that I subject myself to their criticism. In my choice I do not judge people in groups 2 and 3 as bad or wrong, I merely recognize that I am unable to create a win-win outcome through our interactions.
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I am not really aware of what people group 2 and 3 consists of but I think I understand from this post what its all about. I found myself almost embarrassed to tell about my head injury because people either belittle it or think I’m making it up. One person told me not to use it as an excuse! The fact that I’m out in the world proves I’m not using it as an excuse but I do want it to be recognized and acknowledged. I appear totally normal on the outside, and for the most part I am, however, it takes effort to appear that way! People have no idea what goes on in my mind at times. When people start giving me lists of things to do, the first 2 things I’m cool with, but after that it’s like it becomes a foreign language and my minds goes into a form of panic. The only conscious thought during this state of panic is “I pray these people don’t think I’m dumb.” Twenty years later (18 to be exact) this still occurs. This site is a Godsend because for the first time I feel validated! Thank you so much for creating this site!! lol even if I am using it improperly b/c I really don’t understand it all yet!
Hi Kelly,
You are doing wonderful work, if I may say so my friend. As you may have read, I can all too well identify with your conundrum. Because I am a very high functioning brain injury survivor I have had various people — family members included– make the same assertions…that I too am using my head injury as an excuse. Very frustrating because the inference is that I am somehow a fraud. The reality is that I am doing the best job that I know how to do with what remains. I am not my traumatic brain injury, my deficits or limitations, however they continue to impact my life. Over the years I have attempted to fight my way out of the proverbial brown paper bag and live as someone who has not been impacted by a severe traumaic brain injury. My reality is more clear to me today. I am a work in progress and I have learned to value my process. I have learned and continue to learn how to think out side the box one day at a time.
I — too — get overwhelmed by sequences of information. Because I accept that reality I tell others of my difficulty when I feel like they have an expectation of me. Not being able to remember sequences and having to go over some information — that involve sequences — a bazillion times before I “get” or learn the sequence or list (s) of information. I have found that I learn best through repetition and that is good enough for me today.
I have also found that some people may never be able to understand my reality, some may chide me for my reality while others ignore me because of my reality. For the most part I have learned to practice live and let live with those individuals. I am learning to be comfortable living in my skin. If people think I am dumb or “whatever” I am learning to let them think what they are going to think. I am powerless over what other people think of me.
Per using my site, I have a site map http://secondchancetolive.org/site-map/ that currently has 252 titles listed for your reading reflection. Not all of the titles have traumatic brain injury or living with a disability in their titles, however the information that I present in nearly all of my titles is designed to encourage, motivate and empower the reader to live life on life’s terms. I share from my experience, strength and hope. Nothing fancy. I just try to be real with my readers and trust the process. Living life is a one day at a time process and I have learned to trust the process, a loving God and myself. More will be reveal.
Thank you again for you kind encouragement. In the event that I can be of assistance to you, Kelly, please do not hesitate to let me know.
Until then I will say so long for now. Have a pleasant evening and God bless you.
Craig