Greetings and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome at my table. I want to share some personal thoughts with you. I know that I have been led to this point in my life for a reason. I have been discouraged and despondent at times during my lifetime. I have questioned God and life. I have been angry with God and life. I have felt abandoned and rejected by God and life. I have felt as though my life did not matter, regardless of how much I tried to be of service to God and life.
I have been angry with God and life for what I perceived to be unfair and unreasonable. Nevertheless, I have found that God and life has been larger than any anger that I experienced over what I did not understand. I have also found that God has used my anger to motivate me to look for solutions. I have found that my anger and frustration only lasts as long as I need to be angry.
Grieving can take on different forms for different people. For many years, I was not in touch with my emotions. I did not know what I felt in general. I knew nothing about the concept of grieving. Instead of processing my hurt and disappointment I “stuffed” what I did not understand. For many years I denied my reality. I internalized my anger, which created a low-grade chronic depression. Anger turned inwards becomes depression. In my attempt to be more than I could be, I bought into other people’s denial system. Consequently, I could not begin to heal emotionally or spiritually. I found that when I hurt enough — and not until then — was I willing to accept that I was sad, mad and angry with God and life.
Through denying what happened to me many years before only prolonged my sadness and dismay. Denial would not allow me to live life on life’s terms. Denial kept me chasing after the illusion that told me that I was not disabled. Denial told me that I was not enough, because I did not do enough. Denial would not permit to grow beyond my disappointment. Denial kept me defeated. Denial kept me isolated. Denial kept me believing that I was a victim. Denial would not let me heal. Most of all Denial kept me from receiving the grace I so desperately needed to heal. Concluded in Part 2 .
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