Over the years and through many relationships I believed that it was my responsibility to take care of other people emotionally. My mental script convinced me that if I took care of another person emotionally, then I could and should even expect them to take care of me emotionally. Expectations seemed to play a big role in my relationships. Resentments subsequently undermined many of my relationships when I did not receive back what I thought I needed. You see I did know what I really needed.
For some reason I believed that a relationship would be like a special voze, that I could rub at any time. This special voze would bring forth a genie who would intuitively know what I needed. My disillusionment continued until I had a spiritual awakening. It dawned on me that no relationship could somehow intuitively know what I needed and be committed to serving up those needs. Reality also showed that my neediness came out of a black hole that could not be filled by anyone. As I began to accept that I alone could determine what I needed, I found a new freedom. I was empowered as I learned that I could determine what I needed. And so the journey began…
This concept presents a conundrum. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines need as a lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful, which has a physiological requirement for the well being of an organism. This assumption presents two variables. First, there is something lacking. Secondly, something can fill or satisfy what is missing. With this realization, I am faced with a dilemma. If fulfillment dictates that I become aware and that a solution exists, I must be honest with myself. If I chose to not be honest with myself, I am more likely to buy into the notion that other people know what I need. Through adopting their expectations, I will look to qualify and quantify my peace of mind by attempting to “Keep up with the Jones”.
Through being honest with myself, I will be able to distinguish between other people’s expectations and my truth. I will no longer be lulled into believing that my well being is dependent upon keeping up with the status quo. Disillusionment will fade away. I will no longer be tangled in fruitless pursuits. I will find myself individuating. My well being and satisfaction will no longer need to find an anchor outside of myself. I will explore what I consider to be important and of value. As I continue on this course, I will experience increasing satisfaction and fulfillment. I will find that fulfillment is waiting to be appreciated, valued and esteemed in the now. Fulfillment will no longer be something that I need to pursue. By accepting that I am accountable to myself, I will find my self empowered to accept my bliss.
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